Hello all, this is a continence of what I wrote here http://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=5;t=000310 About Ug the caveman (what I call my sex drive). I got out of the navy in 1992 and drove a tractor trailer for two years until I messed up my back again. When I was able to, I got a job in a gas station doing the night shift. There were about three obvious gay guys that would come into the station. Two of them were a couple but very obvious. The other was about ten years younger than me. I got the idea that he was checking me out. He started coming in more and staying longer, talking to me more. And I was getting the feeling that he was pursuing me, of all people. I did tell you guys that I was paranoid didn't I? Oh yes I was sweating it. I could not quit, I really needed the job, so I gathered what balls I have, and wrote a letter to him telling that I had been raped as a kid and that I was scared of gay guys, and would he help me over come this. Well he came back and we talked for a while. From that moment, I noticed that feeling that he was pursuing me was gone, I only felt that he was trying to help. This went on for about six months. We became good friends (I thought). I should tell you some more about this guy his body language and personality, and manner of talking was that of a young black woman, and he was giving me his undivided attention. If it was an act he was very good at it. I think this is how Ug got confused. I started noticing that on the days he did not come by the station I would miss him. I also noticed that Ug was behaving strangely. Ug has always been very quick about letting me know what girls he was interested in this usually happen the first time I saw them, I have always wished that Ug would wait until I knew if I liked them or not. Well it seemed like in this case I got my wish, because slowly but surely Ug was getting interested in this gay guy that behaved as a young black female, that I was getting a crush on. Note during this time Ug is still very interested in all the sexy girls that are coming in to the gas station to get gas, its just that he added this guy to his list of sexy girls that he wanted to have sex with if he ever got the chance. At this point in time I could not tell if he was interested in me for sex or was just wanting to be friends. Looking back on this I think he wanted me to ask him, if he wanted sex. But I couldn't do it; due to the rape or what ever I have always been a passive guy. I have to have a few beers just to ask some girl to dance in a club! It was the same for this guy. This went on for about two weeks, and then he took things into his own hands, and asked me over to his apartment. Said that he had car problems, that was just an excuse to get me there. I also had a surprise, as his personality changed; he went from young female black to young male black. At the same time that was happening Ug the caveman lost interest in him. We had sex, him on top me on bottom. Thatís the only way he does it, never him on bottom. For me that one was bad, not sure if it was due to having been raped or being so nervous over being with a guy that I cared about that changed his personality like that, or what. We had sex several times over the next two weeks, and while it was not as bad, I can say I did not like it. Also it seemed that he did not respect me as much as he had before we had had sex, and he started wanting me to give him gifts. I started getting the feeling that he was setting me up, because the gifts were small at first, I really didn't want to believe this. He then came up with this story that he had a ticket that he had to pay or lose his license, and could he borrow the money.

You may say that I have more than one part to my personality, there is me the nice guy who is writing this, and then there is a part that analyzes everything that happens around or to me. I also have the boy who got raped, and Ug the caveman (my sex drive). It was the Analyzer that said this guy is trying to put something over on the nice guy. Of course the nice guy didn't want to believe it, as he still has a crush on the guy. So we gave this guy enough rope to hang himself, I let him borrow $400, and made sure he understood that it was a loan, and because he was disabled, he could pay it back a little at a time. He did not pay it back, and I later learned that him and his friends had gone to Atlanta Ga, and had a good time. Needless to say I was broken hearted; also about this time the wife discovered the affair, so I was not having a good time. I guess that is what you get when you cheat. Luckily my back had recovered by this time, and I was able to get another job driving a truck. Over the next year I stayed on the road, until I came down with Psoriasis, which in my case is also causing Arthritis. That's what my disability is, and thatís the end of this story. Think you for hearing this.
The Lostcowboy

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"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!