Hello, please be patient w me on this one ...
1. I feel very confused and don't know where to go. As per so many male survivors I am having attraction questions which seem to consistently follow me. I lack faith in my self to just follow my heart, or my hard-on.
2. About eight out of ten women seem attractive to me. And only about one out of twenty guys, will I think that he's cute. I know about the continuum of hetero and homo-sexual identity and I can be at peace w accepting that I am way more on the hetero side, and accepting that I have some homosexual interests.
3. There have been times when I find myself looking at guys at the gym and when I analyze myself and my motivation for lookng at them it seems more about (a) I envy their penis size or (b) I am drawn to just raw sexuality, w/out any desire for relationship or companionship. This disturbs me bc I don't want to accept that I think of others just in sexual terms.
4. I signed up for a gay personals site and so many of the ads are just pictures of guys' penises and so many ads just talk about "hooking up for no strings fun". I have to honestly admit that at times no-strings-fun seems attractive. But another romantic part of me rejects sexuality (w women as well as men) as just a fun activity - as if sexuality were no more different a 'fun' activity than meeting a stranger for a cup of coffee.
5. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have a part of me which believes connection and deep interpersonal and spiritual bonding was the main reason for sexuality. With w my last girlfriend, I had sexual experiences w her which felt, dare I say it "holy"(?), in that I felt not just close w my loving her, but I felt close and bonded w God too. But my love for my ex-girlfriend existed outside of the bedroom, as well [sad-moment, bc I miss her].
6. * btw Girlfriend broke up w me at the end of July ('04) bc when there was any kind of criticism or disagreement I would feel ashamed or scared and shut down and avoid her. Also there were just different interests in spiritual beliefs bc mine are still forming.
7. So, moving on ... I am moving to my own apt. next month. And I will not have to contend w the likes/dis-likes of my current Bible-thumping roommate who if he knew I were having issues w sexuality would not have a kind response. Having my own apartment will mean that I have the freedom to experiment some w issues of relationships and sexuality in my own space.
8. This freedom is as scary as it is exciting. It is also very, very, confusing bc I have a part of me that deep, deep down says ...
9. "I want a tall, pretty wife, and a family. I want to be a dad and do the sippie-cups and safety seats and soccer practice stuff". "I want Love, I want Beautiful".
10. Another part of me gets so angry at myself bc the time I waste on this issue is time I could be working on other important parts of my life. But I have to accept that I am getting more comfortable w allowing myself the space to explore and perhaps even enjoy the experience of looking at naked men and wondering about getting naked w a cute man, even though I can't imagine me ever coming home to a man.
11. So if I do go about exploring? How should I do it? How have others dealt w the emotional up (Acceptance) and down (self-critical) issues of sexuality? I am an attractive guy so I will have no problem finding "suitors". But it is wierd when my desires for a male only come in phases.
12. I feel scared and nervous and excited and abhorrent and disconnected from a unified sense of self and desire. How to procede from here?
thanks for listening.