This "need" & "desire" you all have been talking of. Some good insightfulness. But remember, abuse skews preception and the ability to process. Processing feelings, needs for attention & affection, needs for intamancy & sexual gradification (those two r very different) got all messed up by the abuse. It shattered your internal world view, (or yr ability to establish one).
Im a social worker who has had to deal with my OWN abusive childhood. Its really, really difficult to face the past and deal with it. And sometimes, leaping off a bridge still crosses my mind. But im still here, trying to take what I've learned from this horrible journey and use it to help & protect some other kid.
The problem in your life is not you. Keep your friends if u can. Break the silence slowly, but do break it. Send an unsign letter to the abuser. Pour a gallon of piss on their grave. Call the child abuse Hotline on them. Write a journal. Tell a freind, counselor, priest. Get a hobby, workout, play, find the fun in life, live!
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. ~Winston Churchill
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. ~Maya Angelou
Those who understand only what can be explained understand very little. ~Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach