I have had it with this so-called 'brotherhood'.
There is no love, no support here unless you are the 'one'. The one who dominates each and every discussion on this board.
He is someone who has many trials and tribulations. He has created a great circle of support from his <25 year old MS members.
Isn't it interesting.
This website is not at all about supporting survivors of sexual abuse. It is NOT a brotherhood.
It is a click.
You're either in or you're not.
I shouldn't complain because it's not different than that in real life.
Some people can hurt, can cry, can talk about it and be consoled, loved, shown compassion.
Others, are slapped, spit on, stomped on, hated.
I've thought all day today about why it is that the 'one' so upsets and triggers me.
It is because here, in this so-called safe place, he is treated with the same love, patience and affection as my father was by my family, my mother, his family, now my brother and sisters.
Here if you disagree with the 'one', then you are evil, you are a liar, a fraud, you are a fake, deceitful.
It was the same with my father. Nothing I could ever do was good enough for anyone. Only if I towed the party line of my father was I worthy of anything. I could not. I may have been biologically my fathers son, but in every other way I was and am the anti-Christ.
The only touch I ever received from my father has from his fist. It is the same with the 'one'. I only get the fist of the ultimate....I am a liar and a fraud. I am that because I lied to my ex-wife and kids for 15 years.
I am gay.
Now I have the added and validated extra baggage of being the sinner. Love the sinner, hate the sin.
I pray so often that God would just take me away and send me to hell when I sleep. I do not have the guts to do it during the day when I'm asleep.
Yes, it's come to that. I have thrown away my marriage because I am a sinner. I am gay. I want to be ok, but it doesn't work that easily.
I tried unsuccessfully to answer a challenge of being a fraud and a liar. I was continuously interrupted. By the 'one'.
No one heard me.
It's the same with my family. My mother calls me Satan. My sister says I can't be gay because God doesn't make mistakes.
The truth hurts.
Love the sinner, hate the sin. Thank you for reminding me.
Why can't God take it away? Perhaps some are just destined to be punished, it is their future. I am punished because of what happened. God hates me. Don't say he doesn't because it just is so. God hates the freaks.
I wanted my cousin to love me. He was the only one who cared or looked at me, or touched me. Only thing was, it wasn't the right kind of touch.
I let it happen. No-one to tell. Didn't matter anyway cause no-one would have believed me.
Just like in 8th grade when my father got angry at me and stripped me naked and beat me with his belt so badly as I begged for mercy, that I had whelts and blood stripes on my back. My gym teacher asked what happened. I said I had a bike accident. He walked away.
It's that simple.
I don't want any sympathy or pity. Because I am angry. And I want to simply go to sleep and not wake up.
No one hears me. But everyone hears the 'one'.
It's ok. He deserves it. He hurts.
Pray for him.
He deserves it.