I dont know if im going to be able to get up this time. Been sleeping from dawn to dusk. I feel weak, i feel like i am going to waste away in my room.
I am afraid of my rage. I am afraid it is going to kill me from the inside out. There is so much pain inside, so much anger, it is so intense that i feel like if i felt it i would be consumed by it. I was always afraid that one day, in school, i would snap and just start killing people, like you hear about on the news. I was always afraid that one day, somebody would throw the last stone, and i would just start ripping them apart with my bear hands. If there is enough adreniline in your system, you could rip somebody in half.
Instead of killing someone else, i kill myself a little more everyday. I am watching my life slip away. My anger collapses in on itself, it feels so futile. I don't feel like anything i do makes any difference, i cant change anything. I dont know if anybody in the world understands how deep the pain goes, how primal the rage is. It feels like the universe itself is screaming. It makes me feel like a bug. And so many times, i bore the brunt of the storm to shelter the world from it. Its the kind of force that alters history, topples nations and builds empires. My pain isnt any less than anyone elses, but i followed it farther down inside than most can even imagine.
Im cold. It is like when i went to school, and felt cold all day, even when it got warm and i was wearing a sweatshirt, i felt like i was cold inside. I'm freezing, but it is warm inside my room. I dont want to rot away. I want to live, but i dont feel strong enough. I cant stop, but someday i am going to run out of tommorows, and if i cant find the strength, all i will have to look back on is how each day i wished the next would be the day i started living.