SILENT IMPOTENT RAGE REVISITING
I AM FULL OF SILENT IMPOTENT RAGE RIGHT NOW. TO CARRY THIS RAGE IS VERY FAMILIAR TO ME EVER SINCE MY CHILDHOOD. IS ANY ONE ELSE FAMILIAR WITH THIS NOTION? I HELD MY DYING MOTHER/PERPETRATOR IN MY ARMS LIKE A DEVOTED SON WHEN I WAS 25 YEARS OLD. LIKE A DUTIFUL ZOMBIE I REPRESSED MY IMPOTENT RAGE BECAUSE WHO COULD HEAR IT ANYWAY? I DID WHAT WAS REQUIRED OF ME. THEN SHE COULD BE OUT OF MY LIFE SO NO NEW INCIDENCES COULD HAPPEN ANYMORE. WHAT TOOK HER SO LONG TO DIE?
I HAVE A YOUNGER BROTHER THAT REPLACED ME IN HER BED WHEN I ENTERED THE MILITARY. OUR OLDER BROTHER WAS BOTH OF OUR PERPETRATORS. MY YOUNGER BROTHERíS WIFE IS ALSO A SURVIVOR OF SEXUAL TRAUMA IN HER CHILDHOOD. MY JUDGEMENT IS THAT THEY ARE BOTH NON-RECOVERING SURVIVORS. HE INTELLECTUALIZES WHAT HAPPENED TO US. SHE FELT VERY LOVED BY HER PERPETRATOR MOTHER AND UNCLES. EVERY TIME I AM IN THEIR PRESENCE I FEEL LIKE MY WHOLE BODY IS BEING DRAGGED OVER A GIANT POTATO GRATOR. WHEN SHE HUGS ME IT FEELS VERY ICKY AND INAPPROPRIATE. HER SYRUPY SWEET MANNER NAUSIATES ME (TOO MUCH LIKE MY MOTHER.) I HAVE LEARNED TO CHERISH HUGS GIVEN IN SINCERITY, BUT NOT FROM HER. HER ANGER IS CARRIED IN HER SACCARINE SWEETNESS. I HAD TO FLY ON A MOMENTS NOTICE FROM CHICAGO TO PITTSBURG TO RETRIEVE THEM BOTH TO SAVE HIS LIFE. HE CHECKED HIMSELF OUT OF INTENSIVE CARE AGAINST MEDICAL ADVICE. HE WAS IN CRITICAL CONDITION WHEN HE LEFT AND SHE BELIEVES HER HUSBAND KNOWS BEST, AFTER ALL SHE IS ONLY A WOMAN. SHE IS A DINGBAT AND I HAD TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TWO OF THEM AND THEY ARE MIDDLEAGED ADULTS. I CARE MORE FOR THEM THAN EITHER ONE OF THEM DO. I HEAR FROM THEM THAT GOD WANTS THEM TO DO UNETHICAL THINGS. SHE HAS ASKED ME ON TWO OCCASIONS TO DO SOMETHING UNETHICAL THIS LIST GOES ON AND ON. THIS HYPER-RELIGIOSITY FRIES ME.

THE TRIP BACK TO CHICAGO WAS A 10 HOUR MARATHON THERAPY SESSION FOR INDIVIDUALS THAT ARE INTERESTED IN MAKING ME DO ALL OF THE WORK FOR THEM. I HAVE TOLD THEM REPEATEDLY THAT I CANNOT REPEAT CANNOT BE THEIR THERAPIST. I AM HIS BROTHER. THIS A MENTRA THE WHOLE LAST TEN TO TWENTY YEARS. AND I STILL GET SUCKERED IN AND END UP BEING THE RESPONSIBLE ONE. IíM ALSO ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR CARING MORE THAN THEY DO. IíM WITH MY DYING MOTHER ALL OVER AGAIN.

P.S. MY WIFE SAYS SHE IS IN AW OF HOW LOVING I AM WITH THEM.

[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]