I'm really struggling to be positive at the moment. As I've explained in earlier posts, I was repeatedly abused/raped by a male nurse whilst I was in hospital having brain surgery.

Now my dad has found out about a device that may mean I would be able to walk a bit. He knows about my abuse and has been supportive but now he is pushing that I go for it. It might mean going into hospital again and I just can't do it. I can't put myself in that situation. I never asked my perp to stop when he was raping me. I can't put myself in that situation again.

My next problem. This has thrown up the fact that the woman I was having an affair with (who used to be my physio therapist), promised I would never have to go into hospital without her. But she has now decided that she want's to stay with her husband. It's such a mess, I don't know who to trust. My therapist is away for two weeks as she has had a death in the family, My parents are going on holiday and I can't even have physio therapy as she is away on a course. I was trying to be positive. I'd even started a college course to become a therapist, that just seems like a bad joke. I can't even help myself. I hate asking for help. I'm sitting here writing this crying. I feel so alone. All I've ever wanted is to feel loved marry and have children. I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.