I am struggling, suppressing feelings about sex and women and horniness. The area is so gray for me; there aren’t clear boundaries between what is appropriate and not. Nothing is really out of bounds. Some things should be out of bound, shouldn’t they? Nothing really is for me. It might not be my cup of tea, but unless it hurts or smells real bad, any sexual desire expressed between consenting adults doesn’t intrinsically offend me.

This makes for some very uncomfortable moments, because my wife finds a lot of sexual stuff disgusting. She even said last night she thinks that she is starting to hate sex. Then she absolutely harangued me about pornography and the idea of other people being involved in sex (a reference to our early courtship fantasy talk about a ménage a trios). I find sexual stimulus in fantasy and images of naked women, yet I am trying to keep my sexual activity strictly limited to my wife, including looking and getting turned on. But my wife isn’t interested in sex, and berates the idea of some things that I find arousing (as fantasy). I am kinda stuck. This is the kind of Good Boy repression that can lead to acting out. So I am scared. I have to hide my true feelings from my wife because she will get upset with them, but in order to survive I have to purge these feelings by expressing them, even just in words. And I have the self consciousness that she is watching me. Hidden feelings plus guilt and shame equals depression, at best.

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And let the darkness fear our light.