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#469552 - 08/31/14 07:13 PM My regret is growing everyday
blockade Offline


Registered: 11/10/13
Posts: 20
I've made peace of sorts when it comes to my own own abuse but I acted out on my brother when around 14. I forgot about that fact until about last year and now I am watching him suffer from the affects of my actions.

My mother is struggling to communicate with him and he has now just left for university but is probably going to struggle as he is reclusive. I still don't know what to do. I would like him to come to me for answers as I no longer want to hold any power over him e.g. bring up memories he isn't ready for.
And also I don't know whether to tell my mother but that would just break her heart and I only want the best for her and of course my brother.

I'm just looking for any advice on this situation as I'm becoming more lost everyday. Thank you.

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#469554 - 08/31/14 08:25 PM Re: My regret is growing everyday [Re: blockade]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 296
My brother acted out on me as well, and all i can say from my experience is do not pressure anything, it is only he that can give you permission to be a part of his life again, trust is not something easy to regain.

The pain you must be carrying. . .

You owe it to yourself and your brother to become the best man you can be. Work on your recovery first then try to make peace with the rest.

On another note i would like to say that in no way am i judging you for your past, you were just a child who suffered.

However as an adult you are responsible now, YOU have the power to heal.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#469569 - 09/01/14 09:46 AM Re: My regret is growing everyday [Re: blockade]
blockade Offline


Registered: 11/10/13
Posts: 20
Thank you for the very helpful response. I plan to be a really good brother to him from here on in as I feel he currently needs me in his life in a big way at the moment. I'm conflicted as to whether this is hypocritical behavior on my part though, being a good brother without addressing the past yet?

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#469574 - 09/01/14 02:16 PM Re: My regret is growing everyday [Re: blockade]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 296
Yes, you can't turn a blind eye.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#469582 - 09/01/14 08:21 PM Re: My regret is growing everyday [Re: blockade]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 203
Loc: Southeast US
Hi blockade,

A good relationship with one's brother is pretty special, so I'm glad to hear you want to make amends for your past actions. But keep in mind this broken trust will take a a long time to completely heal.

At this point I think the best thing for you to do is just be a friend. If you've had experiences at university maybe you could offer some tips on how to deal with all the newness and difficulties that university life is going to bring. If you can offer any kind of financial help (without it seeming to intrude) that could be a plus. If you can offer help with studies that's always welcome for any student. Any healing that will begin on his part will originate with him. You can't force the issue and/or demand that the issue be dealt with NOW. Many times just being there, and just listening with a genuine sense of understanding is all that's needed.

I don't see how telling your mother right now would improve the situation for her, you or your brother. That's not to say, never tell. There may be some future time when that's ideal.

You didn't mention this as an item on your agenda of things to do, but I hope you are giving some thought to your own healing and recovery. This is in no way an accusation or judgement, but when you say, "I've made peace of sorts with my own abuse" what exactly does this mean. There are hundreds of members here who've used denial and brushing aside as ways to cope with abuse. And it never has worked.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You deserve a life free from the guilt, shame, self-loathing and humiliation that abuse brings with it. And your brother does too.

Peace and Best wishes as you heal.
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#469604 - 09/02/14 01:36 PM Re: My regret is growing everyday [Re: blockade]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6422
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
At this point, what does a new university student want? IMO: any familiarity accessible, any support to not feel alone in a very strange world with no reasonable break from it, someone to talk who already knows him. A "fixer" of problems that are reasonably fixable.

That's what I would have wanted then. I sought after that for a long long time. Any glimpse of it is stored in my heart as pure gold.

I'd be that to him...for him.

The past stuff can be dealt with and must be dealt with at a proper time. You'll know that when you see it.
_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#469635 - 09/03/14 06:00 PM Re: My regret is growing everyday [Re: blockade]
blockade Offline


Registered: 11/10/13
Posts: 20
Thank you guys for the really helpful and sincere responses. From your advice I'm going to be there for him as a good friend who can offer help whenever needed. I think at this moment in time a better time will come up in the future to talk about the past.

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