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#469516 - 08/30/14 05:23 PM JUST made contact with first abuser...*TRIGGERS!*
VASurvivor Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 49
Loc: Virginia
***TRIGGERS***

I want to first say "THANK YOU" to my (first) abuser should he read this...You were a kid. You did not know any better. And you're a great man for moving forward with your life. None of us can undo the past, but we can free ourselves and move forward. I forgive you! Be sure to forgive yourself as well.

My first sexual abuse was at age 7. My mother was pregnant with my little brother and my father worked. I would periodically go to a babysitter who had a son the same age as me.

I recall two instance in particular, but there were others that I have blocked out or conveniently forgotten: 1) the very first experience was playing together in his bedroom, then closet; he told me to undress, then performed oral sex on me, and then had me do it to him. 2) we role played in the basement of his house (star wars was the theme at the time) - he would have me get naked; then tie me up using rope; then kiss and fondle me as we played.

I never told anyone because it felt good and I felt ashamed (though I didn't understand that then).

After 2 weeks of on and off again searching, I finally tracked him down. (Yep - we're still the same age.)

I called him. I only had his work number. I was on hold for the longest time and considered hanging up. My heart was pounding the entire time. I had no idea how he would respond. Then he answered.

After a few minutes of letting him know I wanted to talk to him about something private, he put me on hold and went to a private place to talk. I apologized for calling him with this at work, but explained I could not find his home phone...

I don't recall the rest of the conversation b/c I was so nervous about trying not to set him off...

I have NEVER harbored anger or bitterness toward him (that would be reserved for my later abuser who was 34 years my senior). I ONLY wanted to reach out to ask the question "Why?" - for some understanding and closure. Perhaps for a friend as well... My gut had told me long ago that this kid would never have done this to me unless someone had done it to him first.

My gut was right. He explained that he forgets many things and doesn't recall what I was explaining. But he asked what he had done to me. I told him. He apologized and explained that he was sexually abused by an older male babysitter (15) - and of course, that kid was probably abused by someone older than him...

The whole thing couldn't have gone better for me. Hats off to him for being a man and talking to me. He could have just hung up.


Edited by VASurvivor (08/30/14 05:27 PM)
_________________________
VASurvivor

I wasn't gay. I was abused and confused.

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#469517 - 08/30/14 06:47 PM Re: JUST made contact with first abuser...*TRIGGERS!* [Re: VASurvivor]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 130
Loc: SF Bay Area
That sounds like a wonderful piece that can lead to some closure for you smile I hope you incorporate this new understanding into your recovery.
_________________________
I've known love, I've known pain, and I've called them by each other's names.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tazGZU4ufGM

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#469528 - 08/31/14 01:16 AM Re: JUST made contact with first abuser...*TRIGGERS!* [Re: VASurvivor]
VASurvivor Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 49
Loc: Virginia
It is indeed, NSM.

I also want to share that I hung up the phone feeling very content.

Then, it hit me... loneliness. I sat with this for a few minutes, trying to figure out where this loneliness came from. I haven't felt it in a long time, but there have been times in my life that it has debilitating. I am pretty secure, for the moment, in my healing, so this loneliness was a real surprise.

It dawns on me that after the abuse was when I experienced loneliness for the first time.

I think that part of it is that this person was a friend, or as much as a friend could be at age 7. And at the end of that summer, I never saw him again. Under normal situations, that might not be a big deal for a 7 year old, but when there is a sexual connection, I believe it was too much to handle. It's like a death I never grieved, but he wasn't dead. I simply never saw him again.

Therapist meeting on Monday...
_________________________
VASurvivor

I wasn't gay. I was abused and confused.

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#469540 - 08/31/14 09:03 AM Re: JUST made contact with first abuser...*TRIGGERS!* [Re: VASurvivor]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey VA

At least you freed up your mind from constantly thinking about those incidents. The constant thinking about what happened and then putting to rest that period of your life, you never expected the outcome to be so favorable and that's why the loneliness was such a surprise. Wow.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#469547 - 08/31/14 03:27 PM Re: JUST made contact with first abuser...*TRIGGERS!* [Re: VASurvivor]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 79
That took a lot of courage. After I read what you had done I did a search on the net for my abuser. I had never thought of finding him. I found 2 people with his name, both priests. So it could be either one. I need to find out more about them. I am scared because I do not know what to do with the information. Maybe it will let me believe I can control if he knows I know where he is.

I am happy for you and I hope it helps to resolve open wounds.

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#469560 - 08/31/14 10:59 PM Re: JUST made contact with first abuser...*TRIGGERS!* [Re: VASurvivor]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 731
Loc: NJ
While I'm happy this worked out for you I would caution others reading this to work with a trained therapist when confronting a perpetrator. You want to be prepared and have a good support network for the varying outcomes that can happen. Confrontation and disclosure are important steps in recovery and you don't want to rush into them especially inebriated or at public occasions like weddings or the likes.

Ken Singer has a good article on this entitled singer3 on this website.

I have to say I'm a little sad reading this post and hope you have a good session on Monday(tomorrow)...seems there will be a lot to talk about.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#469561 - 09/01/14 12:56 AM Re: JUST made contact with first abuser...*TRIGGERS!* [Re: VASurvivor]
VASurvivor Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 49
Loc: Virginia
Thank you for saying that Castle - I second it. I would only confront with support.

I am grateful for a wonderful therapist, whom I have been seeing for 2 years (an many more therapists before that). And yes, there will a whole lot to talk about tomorrow.
_________________________
VASurvivor

I wasn't gay. I was abused and confused.

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