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#468041 - 07/27/14 09:21 AM Simply: how the hell do I do this?
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
I'm referring to......healing...wanting to heal... and hiding from shame for months and years at a time. I tend to beat myself up for knowing my pain and not changing anything. Fears seem humongous, and I (don't) feel for a while, in order to find something I think I can deal with. I've survived by denial.

I feel so much shame for my mother not being there. She was and is a full time alcoholic. I'm feeling shame since I needed her as a boy, yet she used me for herself. I'm mostly aware of emotional incest, not physical, and I've not shared much since emotional incest, I've believed, is not known about as much. One clear memory I had was her pulling herself up to me, a 15 year old, and I knew "something isn't right here". I like to give love, but.........rechhhhhttt....

I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND MOM!

I'll admit fear of her seeing what I wrote. I don't think I'm alone.

But being early 40's now, feeling young here and writing it---I need help. Hiding doesn't help. I need help.

I'm already in 12 groups. Where could I share the shame?

a BIG PS: why would I seek "healing" if all I'm going to feel is greater pain? This is my biggest wondering lately. It's just where I am at.

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#468054 - 07/27/14 01:01 PM Re: Simply: how the hell do I do this? [Re: fhorns]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
Originally Posted By: fhorns
I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND MOM!


Thanks fhorns. I'm with you on that one.

I'm not totally sure how this healing thing works. I just stumble along getting into trouble fairly regularly looking for places that are safe enough for me to heal. It seems to be a tall order. Non-sexual touch seems to be key for me. Finding people who are into it is another story. A healing approach to intimacy might help too. Same problem. Writing here helps. Getting in touch with my anger helps. Taking care of my body seems to help. I wish I had groups to go to. There is nothing where I live that is the least bit appropriate. What seems to work for you?
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#468074 - 07/27/14 05:09 PM Re: Simply: how the hell do I do this? [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
"the least bit appropriate"

Very good choice of words :-). People admitting it is really rare for public admission.

So, I'm glad I do better writing. MS is a gift to me. Keeps it in a safe place.

Finally, thanks for sharing how you've been taking care of myself. It makes me look at my own lifestyle currently.

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#468129 - 07/28/14 01:13 PM Re: Simply: how the hell do I do this? [Re: fhorns]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
Originally Posted By: fhorns
People admitting it is really rare for public admission.

Yes, I've experienced that too. This forum is a rare exception. Yes, its a gift to me too. Did you see Pufferfish's link on the "Effects of Covert Child Abuse" thread. It's great!

There's a quote I read a while ago that I keep in mind fairly regularly. (I have a strong interest in Love and Meditation. Have for many years). Osho attributed it to Buddha's Dhammapada: "Love yourself and watch. Today, Tomorrow, Always..."

The "Love myself" piece is something I generally have to constantly remind myself of. It seems to be a foreign concept to my mind.
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#468150 - 07/28/14 08:48 PM Re: Simply: how the hell do I do this? [Re: fhorns]
focusedbody Online   content


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 341
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: fhorns
a BIG PS: why would I seek "healing" if all I'm going to feel is greater pain? This is my biggest wondering lately. It's just where I am at.


fhorns:

For me this road has been about loving myself and discovering things for me, not others.

What strikes me most about what you wrote is that it is about not getting what you needed. Perhaps the reason to feel the pain is that it is a way to acknowledge and accept that things were missing.

For me, the other reason to feel the pain is because it helps me be more present with those who may have some knowledge of it and seem to deny what's difficult. Some of the people I love the most have been the ones who have spoke about "moving on". I'm all for letting the past be the past, but when certain kinds of behavior continue in the present, someone has to say no. When I acknowledge what is painful, it helps me look it in the eye, deal with it, and feel a little stronger.

It is of course a fantasy to think this can be done all at once. In fact, that fantasy has probably been what has kept me from doing anything concrete about it. Going slowly and consciously, staying in touch with a good sense of self, and giving yourself space are a few ways to be realistic about what will help.

Thanks for your posts,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#468268 - 07/31/14 12:08 AM Re: Simply: how the hell do I do this? [Re: focusedbody]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
Originally Posted By: focusedbody
I acknowledge what is painful, it helps me look it in the eye, deal with it, and feel a little stronger.

Thanks FB for this.

I'm seeing a pattern of taking out my anger on the wrong people. I didn't get the early childhood nurturing I needed to be happy and healthy now. Taking out my anger on my mother at this point, is somewhat counterproductive. She's been very clear about the limits of her ability and willingness to help me heal myself. She is about as supportive as she can be. Demanding more just doesn't go anywhere. Taking it out on other women who never agreed to help me in the first place isn't particularly constructive either. Taking it out on male friends who just don't have the courage/interest to help just increases my frustration. I don't have kids, so that door is closed. Taking it out on my body doesn't help either.

So what do I do with it? I think that your above mentioned quote pretty much answers that. Thanks for posting your thoughts.

Sincerely,

GAATT
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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