Hi Cloudy Falls,
Your post is just heart breaking and frustrating, knowing that the only thing I (and probably anyone on the MS board) can offer is words. But hearing the wrong words and believing some of the wrong words has brought you to this lowest of low places. So I hope the words of encouragement and perhaps advice from so many of the MS members will show you that thoughts of hopelessness, helplessness and even suicide are just plain wrong. There's a better way as long as there's a breath in your body. Almost everyone here at one time or another has been pretty much where you are emotionally, and they've shown that it does get better. It may not seem like it, but it does. There is hope, even in the darkest of dark places.
You may say, "what the hell do you know, you haven't been through what i have and you don't know what this crap is like." And you're right, I don't. But I do know it gets better, even when it seems like it will always be like this. It won't. But you have to resist the temptation to take the easy way out which is to just quit, and instead face it head on.
I'm more than three times your age and I've had some pretty rough days and nights, and felt pretty much like you're feeling now, but if I'd given up all the times I wanted to I could never have experienced so many of the things I have through these years. Some of them haven't been so great, but so many have been well worth the struggle. And you've got some great experiences in your future, too, but you've got to hang in there to see them.
All this is just words, but if I could face you in person I would put my hand on your shoulder, maybe a hug or two, and say as sincerely as possible - you can do it, you can beat this thing, you have a reason to live, you deserve the good things in life that are waiting in the wings. Never, never, never, never give up.
Peace and blessings.
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill