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#466907 - 06/22/14 11:19 PM So I was arguing with my wife...
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Yep, she has been under a great emotional strain these last couple months I have been struggling to live with her. It is very unsettling to have been sexually and physically assaulted by females and then have my wife wake up angry and distant, bitter and contentious for two or three days of the week.

Finally I needed to understand her situation so we talked today. She invests an intense emotional load onto innocuous, irrelevant everyday things, then she waits for me to mention concern and we fight. I mean like house work and getting dressed every day things, not adultery or end of life decisions, but that is what the reaction is, so overwhelming and frankly, exhausting.

I told her I felt like her reactions were over the top, asked her what I could do to help and finally, she confessed that she was in a passive aggressive cycle, that this cycle has come up in every sexual relationship she has ever had in her life. Then I reminded her about the sexual abuse she shared with me and she stopped, then cursed. She had begun sexual abuse recovery with me 6 years ago but could not continue, she became overwhelmed and dissociated. It took 6 years and my struggle to recover to allow her to be safe enough to open herself up to the trauma of that incident.

She is on the cusp of recovery again, this time it is her process and I will give her the space she needs to process, as she had done for me. I love this woman and I know the struggle she is about to engage in, I trust I have the support, the patience and the insight to be in the right place at the right time.

This is a big moment for us, thanks for listening.

Sam


Edited by SamV (06/22/14 11:21 PM)

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#466914 - 06/23/14 09:44 AM Re: So I was arguing with my wife... [Re: SamV]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Thank you for sharing Sam.

It certainly is a challenge when one partner works recovery while the other is not. I hope you allow the compassion you possess to find its way to her. It's often times much easier giving it to "strangers" than to the ones who trigger within the household.

You have to focus on not taking it personal and fight the triggers that will make this a tit for tat type of situation. One thing that helped us was to not "backpack" fight. Focus on what the issue is without bringing up things we're holding in our backpack. Try not to get sucked into arguments where you both lose.

It's also important not to regress in your own recovery....don't allow that to happen.

I know you can work this through...keep venting if need be.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#466915 - 06/23/14 09:51 AM Re: So I was arguing with my wife... [Re: SamV]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Sam,

It will be more important than ever that you get the support you need. If you are not able to get support you are accustomed to from your wife, you'll have to pick up the slack here, therapy, good friends, group activities. I don't know. But, you have to make sure you keep yourself nourished. IMO.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466938 - 06/24/14 12:21 AM Re: So I was arguing with my wife... [Re: SamV]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 340
Loc: NY
Sam:

Thanks very much for sharing your story.

It reminds me of how much work it can be to simply stay in the ballpark of closeness, when the overwhelming aspects of everyday life keep recurring on an emotional level.

It is inspiring to hear how well you have been able to communicate. It seems like you are in a good position to do what you are setting out to do.

I think one of the most loving things one can do is give someone the space they need. In doing so, not only do they get the space, but they get the feeling that someone is watching over them.

My kids' mom was sexually abused. Based on some of my own work, I think I have gotten to the point of realizing more of what she is going through, or at least what she might be facing.

It seems worth it to bravely confront these things that stand in the way of intimacy. Thanks for keeping hope alive on this.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#466964 - 06/24/14 10:28 PM Re: So I was arguing with my wife... [Re: SamV]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Sam, thanks for sharing. You have taken on a huge effort I hope you succeed.

My ex-wife was sexually abused by her 13 year old cousin when she was 9, The father of the children she was a live in babysitter for hit on her and tried to seduce her, She lost her virginity in a date rape experience. She is was was in denial. Even when tded up he girl who replaced her as the babysitter ended up pregnent with the father's child. Even when describing saying NO to the boy who raped her, etc. etc. Lots of people deal with abuse by simply denying it happened.

I am glad she is willing to try and deal with it instead of living in denial/ The denial just spills out to minimize
the sexual abuse experiences of others, not only mine, but our
daughter's as well.

Great Courage!

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#466973 - 06/25/14 08:47 AM Re: So I was arguing with my wife... [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
There really is no greater feeling than being sincerely listened to, great feedback and camaraderie, thank you all. Castle, compassion as well as a grounded personal awareness is key to being able to reach out in understanding to our loved ones. We cannot sell out of an empty wagon so to speak, what I have inside of me in patience and solid recovery will come out to support her, a great reminder. Supporting me supports her.

Don, support is so vital. Survivors are known to each other and accepted, that is one truth I have found here. Coming here and being encouraged lifts me up.

fb, keeping hope alive is the key, hope gives me courage to continue to reach out for the good and wonderful of life, to discard the lies the abuse forced upon me and to support those who want the same. Thank you for your personal experience, I am assured we will both find comfort in our reaching out.

Gene, I have already succeeded. When an abuse survivor can offer succor and comfort to another, that is success. I am so sorry to hear about the struggle your ex-wife went through, it truly does cause a disconnection when trying to cope with other's abuse, especially a mate's or a child's. Great courage to us all fellow survivor.

What I am getting the most here is to be patient, support myself and to continue as I have in the journey. I appreciate these messages and will come back to MS and to my fellow survivors as I need to vent, to read your individual successes and to share in all of our healing journeys.

Thank you gentlemen, Sam.
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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