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#466431 - 06/10/14 03:13 AM Feeling betrayed and abandoned
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 677
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I've been visiting another site for a while, and it was very good for me as it was a very small group of participants, and the participants had been and were working deeply on big issues of mine. So, it was like joining a group therapy that had been custom tailored for me.

I moved through enormous material in a relatively short period of time. The reason I am able to actually make contact with guys here and feel the beginnings of relationships establishing is due to a lot of work I did in this small group.

Within the past couple of months, there have been some direct personal attacks and criticisms that would have never been tolerated here, and to my horror discovered the site has absolutely NO oversight. The site has substantially no one posting now, and I no longer feel safe there. To continue to try to be part of breathing life into a traumatized situation with no oversight would constitute remaining in an abusive situation for me. And, I am crying and feeling such loss. It's the place in me where I am aware that my parents, who are my abusers, were never there for me and never will be there for me. The place I kept locked away from myself.

I feel so betrayed and so abandoned. I have been working down to the feeling level of my infant and early child where the real damage was done to me. And, the reason I was able to do this is because of one member of the small group that had already done major ground breaking work specifically with what I needed.

So, I find myself having opened up enormously vulnerable areas on a site with no oversight, and the infant and little kid me is furious at being abandoned. I'm not abandoning me, in fact, at a certain level, I'm feeling stronger and more capable of taking care of myself and learning from this.

But, I am having to walk through rage, vulnerability, and grieving the loss of an important part of my healing journey. And, this place I'm in feels you all will hate me and try to hurt me. Just like my parents.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466436 - 06/10/14 07:57 AM Re: Feeling betrayed and abandoned [Re: don64]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Don,

I think I know what site to which you refer. Rules are boundaries, and we all need to operate from a common and universally-enforced understanding of them.

I also know of this pain of which you speak here. I've had similar betrayal online and in-real-life.

Some will tell you to 'not get too invested in anyone online.' But in this very intense business of healing (saving our own lives), we DO get heavily invested in 'resources.' We have so darn few resources out there in general. CSA is Still a taboo topic in nearly all societies. So please do not allow anyone to lay any fault on you for "getting too invested in online people."

Disingenuous and fraudulent, dangerous people are everywhere, and we will find them as we struggle to heal. So goes human nature.

I'm very sorry these creeps went bad on you like that.
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#466438 - 06/10/14 08:15 AM Re: Feeling betrayed and abandoned [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 677
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Thanks, Still. There are good and bad people everywhere. I hadn't used computers in 15 years until May 29, 2013, and I had no knowledge of the internet.

I've learned my lesson. I will never again get involved with a site that doesn't have clear, advertised, on-site management and oversight. Leaderless groups have a lot of problems I don't choose to get involved in.

And I completely agree with you about getting heavily invested online with healing resources. I have to learn how to be with you guys in healthy ways before I can possibly move out in the world of people. They didn't attack me, but attacked others, and I had a big problem with personal attacks not being addressed, and there was NO response to my concerns.

Thanks for being here. And, as painful as this is I am feeling pretty good about setting good limits for myself.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466458 - 06/10/14 07:05 PM Re: Feeling betrayed and abandoned [Re: don64]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: don64
and there was NO response to my concerns.


Is it not amazing how this theme of "NO response" permeates our lives? For many CSA victims, obvious concerns and addressed/broached concerns request that truths be spoken and revealed.

The realm of CSA hates truths by its very nature.
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#466464 - 06/10/14 09:09 PM Re: Feeling betrayed and abandoned [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 677
Loc: St. Croix, USVI


Hi Still,

Thanks for responding. It's a big theme with me. I was groomed so powerfully to be aggressive/dependent by my parents that unlearning to gravitate to abusive situations has been difficult for me. I'm only learning to do it now in my 60's. And, it is always so difficult for me to let go of any situation that no longer meets my needs.

Non-responsiveness has been a very big issue with me for a while now. I'm doing my best to teach myself that I don't need to get angry to get my needs met, and that I don't need to demonize any one else in order to learn to discern. Learning discernment is what I need to learn, and learn it without needing to judge others. I feel it in my imagination, but moving that into practice involves walking through the little kid in me who believes if I disconnect from my abusive parents I will die. I'm doing the work, but it is not easy.

Thanks for being here with me.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466485 - 06/11/14 01:25 PM Re: Feeling betrayed and abandoned [Re: don64]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 79
Loc: SF Bay Area
I had a negative sexual experience at age 20 that dug up all sorts of subconscious feelings of anxiety and worthlessness: my main question was "why does nobody care? Why won't anybody help?"

Thinking back to my mom in the years after my initial abuse, my question becomes "why didn't she notice? Why didn't she help?"

Dealing with the blindness of the culture toward sexual abuse is one of the hard realities of being a sexual abuse survivor...as people, we feel swept under the rug along with the issue. We're collateral damage in a societal rejection of discomfort, but we're also human beings.
_________________________
I've known love, I've known pain, and I've called them by each other's names.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tazGZU4ufGM

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#466499 - 06/11/14 07:56 PM Re: Feeling betrayed and abandoned [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 677
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi NoSimpleMachine,

Teaching myself that I am a not only a human being, but a human being of worth, is/has been a considerable challenge. It just doesn't automatically occur to me that I have value, and that I have the power to make choices that will keep me safe.

I find that I am much more able to learn as I get older. And, the time for my real feelings to surface moves closer and closer to real time. Now, its just days or weeks before I figure things out--depends on how much old, early stuff I have to walk through before I understand what's happening to me.

It's really rough when children can't count on a sense of safety from parents. It still is following me, though I am making some progress at learning how to provide the safety I need. It's a slow process, because it's my thinking that has to change. And, for that to change, I have to walk through the feeling level of all that old horror. I'm sorry you felt swept under the rug. I did, too.

Thanks for participating with me.

Don



Edited by don64 (06/11/14 07:58 PM)
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466504 - 06/11/14 08:30 PM Re: Feeling betrayed and abandoned [Re: don64]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 315
Loc: Ohio
Thanks for the reminder. Would like to give a big "thank you" in response to the moderators of this site. It's a behind-the-scenes thankless job that seldom gets noticed enough until someone gets offended and complains.

I was about to respond to a post the other night, when the entire thread was pulled. In a group therapy session or something the subject would have been appropriate. But, in my tired state at the time, I didn't even realize the original post had crossed one of the designated boundaries. I've definitely been in the oversharing point at times through the years with this, so know how easy it is to make such a mistake on a site like this.

Often, individuals that start groups find out how much work it is afterward, their situation changes, and for a solution, they open everything up. Starting to see why many choose to take down forums as a solution when need be as well.

Don, I went through similar feelings in DC back in the 90's when a male sex abuse support group was being dropped. I was one of the newer attenders and so felt like a punch to the gut when I was just starting to make progress at the time. Not fun. Hope you find the right fit for your process soon again, or even somewhere on this site as well.

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#466520 - 06/12/14 02:18 AM Re: Feeling betrayed and abandoned [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 677
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Kcinohio,

Thank you for reminding me to thank the moderators. I'm here because I do feel safe here. The other site was a unique opportunity for me with someone whose profile was pretty exactly as mine, sexual and physical abuse from both parents, and completely divorcing both parents. It was a great opportunity for me, and I did get what I needed. The situation changed, and I was able to figure out what was the healthy choice for me to make. I was also badly triggered back to helpless times when I was very young, and am learning from that.

So, Moderators, thank you so much for your tireless work behind the scenes. What you do matters to me a LOT.

The first time I ever talked to another survivor was last October when I joined MS. It's taken me until the last few weeks to settle down enough, and feel safe enough to begin what I think of as bonding processes. I find that I feel more open here online to letting others into my personal space, to actually allow others to get to know me on a much more personal level, and find myself paying much more personal attention to what other posters are saying. I am opening space in myself for real friendships with others, and for a real friendship with myself. And, it's because this site has management and oversight that I have experienced over time and feel safe with. I am slowly building healthy limits and boundaries in myself. I will never learn them unless I have experience with them.

MS is an amazing gift for me, and eventually I will take my growth here and translate it into the world of people outside my apartment door. I am grateful to everyone who participates in my healing journey.

Thank you Kcinohio.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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