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#466376 - 06/08/14 04:46 PM Telling mother to leave
apoklnow Offline


Registered: 05/26/14
Posts: 6
Loc: Se
Today, I called my mother over and said I wanted to talk alone with her. She was reluctant but came anyway. I have always felt she doesn't believe me. I wanted to just get everything off my chest, and just have her listen. It probably wasn't wise, I could emotions were already tense. I retold her the first incident, she said it couldn't have happened and then asked what year and date. I became enraged, I threw over a chair and told her to get out once and for all. I don't even remember what else we said, but enough was enough. I did tell her I never want to see her again. I have felt that way anyway. There is a lot more to this. She is a very negative person. When I have tried to explain my point of view, she would bring up how hard it was for her. I believe did the right thing in telling her we were done. Comments?

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#466378 - 06/08/14 05:44 PM Re: Telling mother to leave [Re: apoklnow]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 752
Loc: michigan
hey bud
it is important to find a way to have "safe"space so to tell your mother to back off I maybe a good thing for you. dealing with family is one of the toughest parts of this whole process. you know what you experienced and how that has effected you in life. you have no reason to have to explain it or fight to be believed. there is no way for someone else to say what you ought to do or not do man. all I can say is I hope that you can find that safe space to heal. I hope it begins soon
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#466381 - 06/08/14 08:54 PM Re: Telling mother to leave [Re: apoklnow]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 48
apoklnow

you created boundaries with you mother, demanding her to respect you. I am only now learning at 56 years of age, how my Mama used us to meet her needs. She could leave and when she came back thought nothing of how we felt. I was abused by my teacher a priest while she was gone. If I was to tell her she would say it was my Dad's fault. He was recovering from a heart attack. She never thought of him or any of us.

I am on disability and we watch a lot of day time TV. My wife said so many woman spend their days talking about how as mothers they are the only ones who feel their child's needs and how they are the ones who are always there. She said if they are such good mothers stop talkng about it and making your children feel guilty so they thing they have to love you. My wife never speaks of what she does, she does it because that is who she is.

My Mama did all the talk but never walked the talk. So many mothers are doing it this these days. The media has spent so much time on on telling mothers are the only good ones, and it is mother's who are talking.May we should talk about our Mama's.

I hope your meeting with your mother brings some closure and boundaries to the relationship. She needs to respect you and not to envisions herself as the perfect mother. I now realize when a mother leaves and four sisters are needed to take care of grandma they are only thinking of themselves and the guilt grandma left them with. I accept I was a third class citizen to Mama. I hope she asks me to forgive her before she passes. And two aunts still live maybe they will say sorry we took your Mama from you so we could party, vacation, travel and work. I doubt if they ever will, they are so so self centered. I have so much anger that is coming out.

We sometimes need to separate ourselves from these people. We deserve to be loved and respected. As children they left us behind.

Sorry I feel your pain because I now have this pain.

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#466386 - 06/08/14 10:25 PM Re: Telling mother to leave [Re: apoklnow]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 668
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I feel a lot of familiarity with your situation. My mother is nuts. She is manipulative and simply is not ABLE to see me or value me. She sees only herself.

When I began to remember abuse from my father at age 53, the whole family rallied around "it didn't happen." That was twelve years ago, and for me, the healthiest thing was to divorce them all. Best decision I ever made. It would be another 11 years before I would begin to remember sexual abuse, physical abuse and torture from my mother in infancy and early childhood.

I continue to work through: I don't have to get angry in order to set limits and boundaries, because the limits and boundaries I have to set are always with myself, not with someone else. I can never convince someone else of what is right for me, only myself. And, I am the only one with the power to figure out what healthy limits and boundaries are for me. And, I am the only one with the power to make sure it happens.

This has been extremely difficult for me to even understand, because my mother made me into an aggressive dependent machine. I was not taught to be independent in any way, and in fact was taught that any independent actions could have lethal consequences.

It seems from your post that on some level you are needing your mother's understanding and approval for your own choices. With my mother, that was just not possible for her to do. I have done an enormous amount of rage work over many years as a result of my mother's influence. I don't need to demonize her any more at this point. And, finally, I am working through the need to have others validate my reality. But, I was 63 before I started to figure this out.

Sending you support,

Don


Edited by don64 (06/08/14 10:28 PM)
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466519 - 06/12/14 12:28 AM Re: Telling mother to leave [Re: apoklnow]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1510
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: apoklnow
I retold her the first incident, she said it couldn't have happened and then asked what year and date. I became enraged,...I did tell her I never want to see her again.... she would bring up how hard it was for her.

Hey apoklnow,

I think your mother just doesn't want to deal with what happened. I'm sure it is hard for her to deal with, but she is rather selfishly putting her emotional needs before yours. Thats not likely to change.

Its up to you, whether you want any further contact or not. About 15 years ago I stopped contact with my parents for a different reason. I no longer was willing to take any more emotional abuse from them. They were never going to change, and I was never going to have their approval. I have not regretted stopping contact, but some things you might consider are:

1) Are you doing it for your own emotional well being, or to punish her?
2) Even though she's not supportive in your CSA experience, has she been supportive in other instances in your life?
3) Is there anything worth saving in the relationship?

I think it is possible to have a limited relationship with a difficult parent, where some things are just not on the table for discussion. But its all for you to decide. If you have a therapist you might want to talk about this with him/her.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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