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#467114 - 06/30/14 10:07 PM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 295
You know i've always felt different than other men, like i could not quite measure up, like they received some kind of instruction manual i never did get. Plus the after effects of sexual abuse leave you feeling deep homophobia, at least for me they did, i grew up in a culture where even having your masculinity questioned meant you were somehow defective. What i'm trying to say is i guess i was majorly ashamed of being a man, i had no chance to enjoy being a man or little boy for that matter, i was afraid of myself. I hated being like other men, all the men in my life since an early age ridiculed and beat my soul. Fear of other men? Well now a days i fear about being way too aggressive verbally and sometimes even physically towards other men whenever they feel they get entitlement to attack me, in the work place, in the street, in social circles, i feel that there is a lot of shaming culture around manhood, if you do not live up to the standards you are a pansy, so you must carry that shame around. I do my best to pass on blessing and never shame men unnecessarily. I used to be immensely afraid of men, but now a day's i like in the mirror and say to myself: "You are not like other men, you are stronger, since age 3 you have been under attack from evil doers and you are still here, you are way stronger than most of the pack, where others would piss their pants, you stood tall, how could anyone ever intimidate you again?"
Trust is a big issue around my life as well, i guess you never really regain it until you learn to trust yourself.
I was groomed as most of us were which means that bonding always seemed to be a precursor to betrayal, but i grew myself back up, trying would be more precise... and can not be afraid, sure somedays are rough, but i can handle it.


Edited by justplainme (06/30/14 10:09 PM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#467118 - 07/01/14 12:21 AM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Justplainme,

"Bonding was a precursor to betrayal" just caused a lot of things to fall into place for me. I'm in a bonding process with MS and with myself, and your statement just gave me the understanding I need for the fears I have been having. With a context I always have a much easier time working through and healing my fears.

Thank you.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#467122 - 07/01/14 09:02 AM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Wow justplainme, you have so many similarities to me. But a big difference, one which really makes me feel so alone and isolated, even from the survivors on this site, is that even though I was abused at 11 and again at 18, I was never groomed by either monster. I refuse to call them men. Both of these monsters were strangers to me but the way things happened, I felt as though they knew me better than I knew myself because I seemed like such easy prey and was lured into both houses easily. My gut told me something seemed wrong but my upbringing, to be a good little boy and always obey your elders and do as I was told, that was the driving factor that sent me into those homes.
Then 28 years after the first incident, I finally found myself re-victimizing myself. I had already come to terms with my sexuality and to this day I still say that I am bisexual, to an extent, that being that I have a penis fixation and I do enjoy pleasuring men orally, the problem where I found myself getting into trouble is that both times I was abused things didn't seem to go as those monsters wanted.
The first time I had not hit puberty and I never got an erection nor did I ejaculate. The monster sure did and I think that was what saved me and allowed me to leave without being physically harmed.
The second time, despite the fact that I was 18 and most would have considered me to be a young "man", as soon as the door closed and locked and the tone of the monsters voice changed, my gut already screaming at me that something was wrong here, my mind finally realized what was going on and I mentally turned into that frightened 11 year old boy. Well I was already kind of that boy, he never really grew up and even today I catch myself at times being an obedient child and obeying others despite how "I" feel, "I" meaning the 3 people I know identify myself as, the 40 year old male(not sure if I want to refer to myself as a man?), the teenager that never got to be a teenager growing up, and the 11 year old boy that is still frozen in time as I had to grow up so damn quickly that day and didn't allow myself to experience so many "normal" things growing up after that out of fear of being exposed to the world.
I finally realized last year that since things didn't go as the monster seemed to have planned during the second incident, that I had unknowingly been re-victimizing myself. It is complicated and is still hard to overcome at times because it just seemed to always creep up on me and happen before I realized it was. And once I realized something wasn't right, the guilt and shame and fear convinced me that I was doing a good thing and I was getting pleasure from doing it. I was sexually aroused but when I crossed the line to victimizing myself it was the guilt and shame and fear that was being pleasured. The reason being that subconsciously all these years I was upset and ashamed that I wasn't the "perfect" victim. I felt that I wasn't good enough to be groomed like most victims and I wasn't good enough to cum for the first monster and I wasn't good enough to fulfill the second monsters demands and make him cum so I found that these inadequate feelings were quietly driving me to relieve these feelings by being what I thought those monsters wanted me to do when they used me and I tried to get men to use me that same way. The thing that made it hard to see and drew me into this re-victimization was that I had already dropped my fear of homosexual men and bisexual men, these monsters were neither and I finally felt alright with myself being interested in these types of men. I enjoyed having sexual "fun" with these men, I had no emotional attraction to them at all, in fact I hardly ever had any emotional attraction to anyone, my wife of 18 years being one of the few exceptions. But I did have a strong sexual attraction to man on man fun, mainly fellatio, and I really strongly got off by making a man climax, especially orally.
These sexual feelings are normal and all good, but the problem was that the guilt and shame would creep up on me, especially while I was getting sexually involved with a man and the guilt and shame convinced me that I had to try to be a "perfect victim" and pleasure these men like how those monsters wanted me to pleasure them and I mistook the sexual pleasure I got as a bisexual man as part of relieving the shame and guilt I was feeling. It took a long time to open my eyes and see that when I walked away feeling guilty and ashamed and wanting to keep it a secret, especially the way I pushed the men to call me names and talk about dressing me up or using me like a sex slave, that this was what the guilt and shame pushed me into unwillingly and mistaking it as "good" because I was sexually turned on at the time and felt good about getting the man off. But never did they call me a good bitch or anything like that and finally, with the help of therapy and counselling, I realized that I wasn't their victim nor did they want me to be one, I was trying to be the obedient boy that I was when I was abused and trying to put a closure to the guilt and shame that I quietly lived with because I felt like a failure for not getting them off.
Today and moving forward things are different. Anger and frustration are allowed to be part of my life and I try to control them in a positive way, which admittedly can be hard at times because I have bottled up these emotions for way too many years. But these emotions replace the guilt and fear when the abuse crosses my mind and rather than pleasing them, I imagine physically hurting them in a sexual way like biting there penis or testicles so hard that they could never use them again. I would never let these emotions take control of me but the feeling at the moment visualizing this eliminate the guilt and shame, only from what the monsters brought on me, not my sexual attraction to men, well to openly gay and bisexual men. As far as the rest of men are concerned, especially those masculine, arrogant assholes, I find myself projecting these feelings towards them too as a way of protecting myself from them. They attacked me indirectly for so many years, making fun of gay and bi men and any boy or young man that wasn't an arrogant pig towards women, and also to the women that took this abuse from these men and made it seem "normal" and so many of them looked at me, or at least I felt they did, as different and inadequate and weak because I wouldn't treat them like dirt. So I grew up HATING these men and women, yes HATE is a very strong word but one I allow myself to feel, I have every right to feel it and I refuse to let anyone tell me different, even god. He gave me free will, just as he did those monsters that abused us all, and they were allowed to abuse that free will so I allow myself to hate them for that. My moto is "God forgives, I don't" and I truly feel that he accepts that. I don't blame him in the least, free will was a gift we all received and not something that can be taken back, well not by God but by us humans, which we should when it comes to sexually or physically abusing children but we don't. Individually we may try but collectively as a society we seem to let it just happen and hopefully go away, just like I feel my parents hoped that hiding what happened and not really talking about it or acknowledging how it still affects me today, and by not kicking the shit out of the dirt bag that diddled their little boy. So this has driven me to avoid society, what has it done for me, I am an outcast from society and I am a voice and a victim that they don't want to hear from. I am not a rescued sole for them to hold up to the world and make themselves feel good about and help them ignore the rest of us victims that they didn't rescue nor even try. They had the chance when the first monster molested two young girls, instead it was easier to drop the charges and pretend it never happened and move away and raise those poor girls to believe it never happened and just leave this piece of shit around to do it again, this time changing his type of victim to that na´ve, little boy. And even though I did what I should and report it, he was arrested but then released, that 11 year old boy grew up believing that bad men were locked up for good, not for a day and then back out on the street to do as they please. I am just happy that his last act was to take his own life and spare the world from him. If only the people that tried to rescue him had known why he jumped in the weir, would they have still tried to help or would they have cheered like I do inside.
Sorry for the long rant and honest expression of some not so good feelings but it is who I am and I am not going to change myself because someone doesn't like that I hate monsters and feel death is the least that can happen to them. It feels good to openly express my hate to all the monsters of the world and wish a cruel and painful death on all of them. It is enough to make me feel better about myself and I don't think I could ever act out the feelings but if society were to legalize it then trust me I would be one of the first victims in line with a bat to bash as many testicles as possible.
Thanks for letting me vent and have some peace by releasing this anger and frustration, releasing it through talking is better than releasing it violently. Growing up I would release it by masturbating but I am tired of doing something I enjoy to release bad feelings, I want my sexual actions to be only for good feelings where I don't feel guilty after I cum, a guilt that took me well over 20 years to understand and even longer to finally confront and change.

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#467123 - 07/01/14 09:11 AM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Can anyone else relate to how I feel and do you find that after venting like I just did that you feel the urge to masturbate? I was flaccid the entire time I typed out my response but it seemed almost instantly after hitting submit that I started to get an erection and instinctively began to masturbate. Admittedly it feels good and maybe it is this good feeling that I have grown to enjoy as majority of my good feelings have come from growing up, especially since I had so few friends and kept it that way so that they wouldn't catch me masturbating. Looking back at it I see it as a natural growth process and I could have easily defeated any masculine attack because I realized within a year of being sexually active that I was gifted with a much larger penis than most boys and men but I immediately would disrespect myself by degrading myself like I expected others would because I am uncircumcised, in so many ways I was my own worst enemy. frown

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#467124 - 07/01/14 09:12 AM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Ontario, Canada
And the erection is now gone, I just did it to myself again....gggrrrr

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#467153 - 07/02/14 06:18 AM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: don64]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 295
Originally Posted By: don64
Hi Justplainme,

"Bonding was a precursor to betrayal" just caused a lot of things to fall into place for me. I'm in a bonding process with MS and with myself, and your statement just gave me the understanding I need for the fears I have been having. With a context I always have a much easier time working through and healing my fears.

Thank you.

Don


Good to know Don.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#467154 - 07/02/14 06:22 AM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 295
Pete i think it's normal to be so concerned about our sexuality. Love and sex were completely disconnected from each other and the way we were supposed to understand them. It's hard, but keep a green tree in your heart and someday a singing bird may come to it.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#467380 - 07/08/14 09:26 AM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Ontario, Canada
justplainme, I don't understand the green tree quote but the survivors need an opportunity quote really hits home and I am embracing it more and more everyday and learning, accepting and showing my sexuality more every day and it is MY sexuality, not the effects of the abuse, I am past that now and have learned to identify and stop the re-victimization and not allow the guilt and shame to drive me down that path again, the satisfaction I thought I got from it was only the guilt and shame being content with me allowing those emotions to relive the abuse, mainly trying to be the "perfect" victim that I felt I wasn't while being abused because I didn't get off like they wanted me to.

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