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#465107 - 05/08/14 05:03 PM He died this day.
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
All I can pull together to share is that I had been requested to visit the first (and only) guy I have had a true relationship with. If you have been here a while, you will know the story of all the things that happened to me during the time he was a part of my life.

My presence was one of the final requests the man had made. After ignoring several calls over four days, I finally answered and received the news that he was dying and he wanted to see me. After a short period of contemplation, I agreed and last evening I visited. Today I received word he had died before the sun came up. I have many emotions and thoughts, but the fact remains that I was a last request and he died before the sun came up this morning.

I left him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. When I consider the things he did to me, I still carry not hate, but a great many scars. I hope my visit gave him peace, because a part of me still loved him. I think it did. I said no harsh or vengeful things and his eyes conveyed a love for me that I also needed to see- and he mouthed the words as well…. just many thoughts.

I just wanted to share this happening in my life. It is tremendous for me.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#465111 - 05/08/14 07:27 PM Re: He died this day. [Re: ThisMan]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 323
Loc: Ohio
Hope that you find this healing in your journey. Sounds like a difficult thing to do. Be gentle with yourself.

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#465114 - 05/08/14 08:16 PM Re: He died this day. [Re: ThisMan]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
It seems to me very generous hearted of you to be able to grant his request, I am sure that you did bring him some peace and eased his passage from this life.
Thinking of you.
(((((Bill)))))

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#465130 - 05/08/14 11:51 PM Re: He died this day. [Re: ThisMan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1200
Loc: New York
Hey ThisMan

I wonder what I would do in the same situation.

It was kind and generous after recalling all the scars. you are a good hearted man, I hope your act of kindness helps in your healing.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#465405 - 05/16/14 05:16 PM Re: He died this day. [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Jeff, Rustam, KC… thank you for sharing your good wishes. It has been a confusing week, emotionally speaking, but not as difficult as I had imagined it to be. I do know that in my choice to honor the requested visit, I gave MYSELF the gift of determining for myself whether to visit or not. MY CHOICE. For obvious reasons that has become so very important to me. And although not appropriate for others, it was definitely the right thing for me to do.

I have more feelings emerging that I am trying to put into proper perspective before I share them, but again, this is a momentous happening in my life and I appreciate you support.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#465406 - 05/16/14 05:34 PM Re: He died this day. [Re: ThisMan]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1653
I am sorry to hear. I hope you find peace with the last visit. Your words you loved him but the scars he left you with are reminders of what happened in the past. Your compassion and ability to accept him in his last hours shows how you have healed and grown. Holding hate and vengeance in your heart only holds you make and keeps you under the control of the past.

I admire your openness and willingness to extend yourself to someone who left you with scars, but scars are old wounds and need to be put in a place that does not control the present and future. I have learned this on my own journey, not only of the abuser but of others who inflicted pain to resurrect the past pain and memories and stifle my ability to function and later to heal. I too, have let the pain go, and for these people I still love, but I need to be free of insidious acts. One day I hope all will face the past and move forward.

I am sorry for your loss and hope you find peace and some level of closure. Keep well.

Kevin

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#465411 - 05/16/14 06:57 PM Re: He died this day. [Re: ThisMan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1200
Loc: New York
Hey ThisMan

It was a true gift of compassion that you visited him and was able to give him his last wish. I have thought many times of what you did. The person I loved, who was like a father to me, had a whole different world attached to him which I am finally learning about now. I look at him as two separate people with two personalities, the one that was kind, gentle and sexual and the other which seems to have been connected to organized crime, pain and torture. All the years I have only known the first one but over the last three years I have begun to see what was done to me via proxy through the second. I still love the first and now hate the second and I can't seem to bring the two people together.

At the moment I would still give him his last wish but I don't know what will happen in the future. I still don't want to lose the person I loved as a father, a person who gave me my first real birthday presents, trips to museums, etc. I do want to lose the person who sold me to people who took thousands of pictures of me, put me into boy magazines, hurt me and tortured me.

For me it's still a work in progress. Thanks for sharing with us, it does make a difference on how we look at our lives past and present.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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