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#465103 - 05/08/14 04:28 PM seeking advice about a friend Male survivors pleas
Judith Offline


Registered: 05/08/14
Posts: 14
Loc: USA
Please respond... (May 8th. )

Hi

I read one of the replies here but I still need some input in how to go about contact him or letting him contact me. I dont know how to go about this in asking for advice in what to do next.

I am dealing with mixed emotions. Fear , concern for him, wanting to hear how he is doing etc,

I dont know how to write this and make it clear. So bear with me here.

due to time and space etc I am needing to brief.


I have a nonromantic nonsexual friend male survivor of sexual abuse who he and I have been talking since a month (by text) daily about his past by text-and he likes the fact that he like talk to me about his past to heal. and like that I was "forcing" him to open up and heal. HIs words were " Forcing him to open up and heal from his past" I had nothing to do with forcing him to open up.

I understand guys have a hard time open up about feelings and a abuse survivor struggles more. He is 37 and He is one of the first that I have found that has struggle more to open up more compared to others that know me.

He open up but as he delve into deeper stuff he still resisted on informing me about things that I needed to know to help for a lack of better way in saying it. Due to circumstances beyond both our controls he ended up seeing a local therapist. He still wants contact but not sure how and how he could do both etc. I dont know how long to give him before contact him again ...

And he informed me after I ask about him that could I contact him-he said he would reach out to me after he informed me that it would not be daily. He initially had a hard time reaching out to me so I am concern that even though he says this he may still struggle to reach out to me like he said he would.

I have not heard from him since May 1st. I dont know what to do. This is like a brother/sister interaction. I can explain that if you want. Long story. You know how brothers and sisters will say they care about the person. He liked that I did that with him etc. I hope this makes sense.

I want to contact him but I want to respect his choice to but I dont know.-I am thinking about contact him by text week of the 19th -because I know his lack of struggle to contact and I am concern that he may be afraid to contact me. I am concern that in some info I gave him about our interaction that he may have misunderstood.

What do I do about contact him? by text. I was thinking of saying something like-
"I care about you and miss hearing from you and wondering how things are going and if you can give me an update. Dont be afraid to talk to me. "

Is that ok to say?

Judith

If you need more info to respond better let me know -I keep confidences and change names to protect the innocent on the main board but if you need info to respond better -then let me know and we can go from there.

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#465119 - 05/08/14 09:42 PM Re: seeking advice about a friend Male survivors pleas [Re: Judith]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Just say hi, hoping you are doing well

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#465122 - 05/08/14 09:58 PM Re: seeking advice about a friend Male survivors pleas [Re: Judith]
Judith Offline


Registered: 05/08/14
Posts: 14
Loc: USA
I appreciate ur response esposa , I also would feel better
If I could hear from male survivor too

Judith

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#465131 - 05/08/14 11:55 PM Re: seeking advice about a friend Male survivors pleas [Re: Judith]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
It sounds like you care about him. That's great. It's also wonderful that he is trying out therapy.

Its important to not push him to reveal anything he doesn't want to reveal. You don't actually need to know anything about his past in order to be his friend. Especially since he now has a therapist, you can just be there for him in the present. Let him know you are available, but don't pressure him to talk about things. That can really backfire.

Friendships need to have more than one dimension. Let him know that you are interested in hearing from him but that you guys can do and talk about other things too. All you can do is make yourself available. After that, it has to be up to him. Make sure he knows that you still want to be his friend whether or not he ever talks about it again. Then he can decide. Hope that helps.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#465143 - 05/09/14 02:14 PM Re: seeking advice about a friend Male survivors pleas [Re: Judith]
Judith Offline


Registered: 05/08/14
Posts: 14
Loc: USA
Jacob a



Thank you it helps alot. Yes I do.

How often do you think I should try to stay in touch since he is say not daily for now.

Judith

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#465159 - 05/09/14 07:35 PM Re: seeking advice about a friend Male survivors pleas [Re: Judith]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
There such a thing as the proper time and place for things.

For me, I shared with two women my past. One was a friend of a long time, another was a person I just felt comfortable with, also with abuse in her past.

I started the conversation in that direction when it felt right.

In your case, I would just stay in contact. I would feel gratitude for a caring friend as just that. Friends are hard to come by and quite valuable if you care for that word. You are probably quite treasured no matter what is shared right now.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#465174 - 05/10/14 02:21 AM Re: seeking advice about a friend Male survivors pleas [Re: Judith]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
Originally Posted By: Judith
Jacob a



Thank you it helps alot. Yes I do.

How often do you think I should try to stay in touch since he is say not daily for now.

Judith


That seems like a good thing to ask him.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top


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