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#464923 - 05/04/14 02:51 AM "Real" me vs. "Little Bobcat"
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
I'm going to be really honest here.

I am, or at least try to be, understanding, nonjudgmental, honest, helpful, caring, cautious, peacekeeping. I try to listen more than talk. I try never to impede anyone; live and let live.

I also tend to be overly shy, nervous, apologetic, depressed, and a little self-absorbed (like sometimes I don't say "hi" to my roommates' company because I'm preoccupied). Sometimes I take the people in my life for granted. I am trying to work on these issues.

That is basically who I am. Not great or good or bad. Just me.

But there seems to be another side of me - one that I don't like. One full of self-hatred and unappreciation. I call him, "Little Bobcat". Yes, probably the result of CSA. Usually something triggers or depresses me, and then Little Bobcat takes charge...and he doesn't give up his command of me easily.

Example:
Today, during work, I became depressed. Nothing seemed to trigger it. Normally, I don't realize Little Bobcat has control of me; this time I did. I came home from work, hoping for a chance to relax and try to have some fun (sometimes that makes Little Bobcat go away). Well, I realized I had forgotten to go to the store after work like I said I would, and I really didn't want to. So what did Little Bobcat do? He took it out on my roommate - who hadn't done ANYTHING to me at all.

I accused him of never going to the store when I need something, yet I always go when he needs something; then I hinted that I do everything while he and his brother do nothing - ALL of which is COMPLETELY UNTRUE. You can tell by all the extreme exaggerations: never, always, everything, nothing, etc. AND I KNEW IT WASN'T TRUE, BUT I COULDN'T STOP MYSELF FROM SAYING IT. The rational me, or "Adult Bobcat", wasn't in control.

That's not me, nor who I want to be. I love my roommates more than they know, and I try to remember to express my love and gratitude and appreciation for them daily. I don't always succeed, but I am trying.

Little Bobcat ended up hurting them. And I feel very guilty about that. I apologized to both my roommates.

I don't think I'm bipolar or anything like that. It just feels sometimes like I have this split in my personality - the rational side, and the hurt, temperamental, easily insulted, defensive, angry, unappreciated, misery-loves-company side. I.e., the "real" me, vs. "Little Bobcat".

Can anyone else relate to this, or have any comments for me?

Thank you for taking the time to read all this. Honesty and brevity don't always go together, lol.

Bobcat
_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#464936 - 05/04/14 02:58 PM Re: "Real" me vs. "Little Bobcat" [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
I think anyone who has been abused can and probably does have that little bob cat inside. Taming him can be a chanllenge. If you are working on recovery I think you will find your way. But what you discribed sounds very familar.

stay strong and thank you for sharing.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#464938 - 05/04/14 03:21 PM Re: "Real" me vs. "Little Bobcat" [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Thank you for your kind words, Rich. I appreciate it, man.
_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#464939 - 05/04/14 03:28 PM Re: "Real" me vs. "Little Bobcat" [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
TBA - do you ever have conversations between Big and Little Bobcat? that might sound crazy - but it's worth trying. and - btw - i'd suggest that BOTH are the "Real" you.

i have found that my younger version of myself - Little Lee, if you will - is more emotional and reactive, while my Big Lee is more rational and emotionally repressed. when i let my rational side engage with my emotional side, we can usually come to some compromise that is better than either would come up with on his own. it is important to let your Little express the hurt, but it needs to be balanced and tempered with a more mature understanding from the Big - yet not altogether intellectual, either. both sides need to be heard and respected.

it helps to do this out loud.

and it is best to do it in private - where no one but the "two of you" can hear.

LEE
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#464947 - 05/04/14 04:34 PM Re: "Real" me vs. "Little Bobcat" [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Wow, Lee.

No, I've never had a conversation between the two "sides" of myself - though I must admit, that would be interesting, and probably VERY helpful.

I drive for a living, so I can try it out loud and in private (mostly).

Any tips for how to do this?

Thanks, man!

Bobcat
_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#464948 - 05/04/14 05:16 PM Re: "Real" me vs. "Little Bobcat" [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
well, your Big BC could ask Little BC how he is feeling about whatever and then just let him rant until he gets it out of his system. then Big and reply with a more grown-up perspective. take it from there. let one interview the other or compare notes or...

sometimes it helps to let Big tell Little how he feels about what happened and let him know he is not on his own and someone cares.


Edited by traveler (05/04/14 05:18 PM)
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#464950 - 05/04/14 06:28 PM Re: "Real" me vs. "Little Bobcat" [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Thank you, Lee. I am eager to try it tomorrow!

I'll be honest - what you said really touched me.

Letting Little Bobcat know that someone cares about him... Funny, you would think anyone would like to hear that someone cares about them...but for some reason, Little Bobcat would rather hear that NO ONE cares about him. Sad, but true. I think it's because, somehow, hearing that someone cares about him breaks through his walls of defense - weakens them in the process - whereas hearing that no one cares about him just ricochets off the walls, because it's what he believes anyway. If that makes ANY sense. It's like, the more he hears that someone cares about him, the more it breaks holes in his walls he's built around him, and that makes him, idk, more vulnerable. And he HATES that...because he was vulnerable when he was abused, I suppose.

Funny... Thinking about all of this... I almost feel like he's talking to me right now. Otherwise, I'm not sure I would have known why he doesn't want anyone to care about him. I sure didn't know before.

Maybe your idea is working already. I hope so. I would really like to have a gentle, safe conversation with that hurt boy. I really want to hug him and hold him and protect him and let him cry and be a part of me again. I really do.

I'm actually wiping away a tear...

Sorry. I'm rambling now. Hey, thanks for the advice, man! If you have any more suggestions, send them my way! I'd appreciate it!!!

Love,

Bobcat
_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#464956 - 05/04/14 11:10 PM Re: "Real" me vs. "Little Bobcat" [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
OK, Bobcat - here is another idea.

when i first was encouraged to do this, i had a hard time trying to do it spontaneously, so i wrote a letter to my younger self, which was more comfortable for me. then i read it aloud. it was a very emotional experience. here is the link to that letter, which i posted:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...4499#Post384499

maybe this will also give you some ideas of what you'd like to say - or hear.

(((Big Bobcat))) & (((Little Bobcat)))

- LEE
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#464959 - 05/04/14 11:26 PM Re: "Real" me vs. "Little Bobcat" [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: TheBobcatAgain
Letting Little Bobcat know that someone cares about him... Funny, you would think anyone would like to hear that someone cares about them...but for some reason, Little Bobcat would rather hear that NO ONE cares about him. Sad, but true. I think it's because, somehow, hearing that someone cares about him breaks through his walls of defense - weakens them in the process - whereas hearing that no one cares about him just ricochets off the walls, because it's what he believes anyway. If that makes ANY sense. It's like, the more he hears that someone cares about him, the more it breaks holes in his walls he's built around him, and that makes him, idk, more vulnerable. And he HATES that...because he was vulnerable when he was abused, I suppose.


i think that this is a pretty significant discovery.

Originally Posted By: TheBobcatAgain
I would really like to have a gentle, safe conversation with that hurt boy. I really want to hug him and hold him and protect him and let him cry and be a part of me again. I really do.


maybe you could just start with telling him this.


Edited by traveler (05/04/14 11:37 PM)
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#465134 - 05/09/14 01:18 AM Re: "Real" me vs. "Little Bobcat" [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Hey, Lee.

It took me a while to try it; it always take me a while to try anything new, like I have to process it for a long time first. But I finally did one morning. I nearly cried a couple of times; I actually wish I had - I think I would have felt a sense of release - but it's hard for me to cry sometimes, especially for myself.

I told Little Bobcat how much I admire him for his resilience to survive our abuse, how much I love him and need him. It's hard to get those words through his walls he's built around himself. It's like, he hears the words, but doesn't connect any feelings to them. But a couple of times, I felt like he heard me and believed me.

I'll keep working on this. Thanks for the suggestion!

Bobcat
_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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