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#463090 - 03/24/14 05:23 PM Stuff from age 13
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 181
I donít know why I want to talk about this. Itís just a random not-all-that-terrible thing that happened to me. For some reason I have been thinking about it for a few weeks now. Iím not sure why. It just pisses me off.

(This might be triggering.)

When I was 13 I went into the city by myself. To a comic book shop. Not that that is important. At the train station on the way home this guy bumped into me. He was holding me by the shoulder, just looking at me and smiling, as if he was waiting for me to say something. It was awkward and to get rid of him I just said I was sorry. Even though it was completely his fault. He said thatís ok, and let me go.

I got on the train and never expected to see him again, but he ended up standing right behind me.

It wouldnít have been hard for me to get someoneís attention. Or do something. But itís not like Iím beating myself up about that.

It might not have been so bad if he had said nothing while he did stuff. Once people say things to you, you canít really unhear them again. They are stuck in your brain forever.

He got off the train at the first stop, which was my stop. I was too freaked out to get off, so I stayed on for 2 more stops then called my dad, pretending I got on the wrong train.
Itís not the worst thing that happened to me, but it really pisses me off because it wasnít an accident.

He woke up that morning and decided he was going to go out and do this.

He might have been hanging around the station looking for someone. Or maybe he already picked me out and had been following me since the comic book shop. Maybe I was too young to be walking around the city on my own? But so what? I should be able to go wherever I want.

Iím almost 100% sure he came from behind me, got in front of me and turned so he would deliberately bump into me. Like he was checking my reaction to see how submissive Iíd be or something.

Who does this kind of stuff though??? It bothers me so much thinking about it. Everything else that happened to me is kind of complicated. But in this I was minding my own business and someone just decided to do whatever they wanted to me, and not even care about what I wanted. This is not my purpose.

I remember pretty clearly what he looked like. He was wearing jeans and a denim jacket. He wasnít very tall, average build, kind of 80s hair. He was probably somewhere between 25-35. He reminded me of a computing teacher we had at school who was younger than the other teachers, didnít dress like a teacher and all the girls all liked him. As this was happening I was thinking about that, how it wouldnít have been hard for him to find a girlfriend. Or boyfriend. That he didnít look like an evil monster, or someone who was desperate that they had no choice. I know how someone looks means nothing, but thatís just what I was thinking at the time, like wondering why he needed to do this.

I didnít tell anyone. So this guy is probably still going around doing this.

Thereís this girl I made friends with when I was in hospital. She told me that stuff happened to her in the same city. Twice. Both times with random strangers. This is the capital city of the country I live in. Itís always full of tons of tourists admiring the medieval architecture. And also it seems, full of pervs who are searching for lone kids to assault.

That was kind of longer than I meant it to be. Havenít been in therapy for 2 weeks now. My throat hurts and everything is just overly triggering lately.

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#463099 - 03/24/14 09:27 PM Re: Stuff from age 13 [Re: txb]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
hello txb,

At any age a creep like this would scare the hell out of most people. At thirteen it is worse. As you so articulated so well you did nothing wrong. Yes there are nut cases out there that do get up in the morning to begin their prowling. There are a lot of sick people out there one just happen to find you that day. i had a very similar experience when i was fifteen and it scared the hello out of me. I didn't tell anyone either. I don't know why but it was probably because i carried so much guilt from the abuse that was happening on a regular basis. I was to ashamed and scared to tell anyone because at that age i convinced myself along with a lot of help from my abusers that it was my fault.

Interesting post and an important one.

thanks

rich
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#463107 - 03/24/14 11:37 PM Re: Stuff from age 13 [Re: txb]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: txb
I donít know why I want to talk about this. Itís just a random not-all-that-terrible thing that happened to me. For some reason I have been thinking about it for a few weeks now. Iím not sure why. It just pisses me off.


txb - on the contrary - it WAS terrible. you were violated. you were used for some perv's twisted thrills. you don't need to minimize or rationalize it. and - like my T told me - it may not have been as severe in its effects if it was the only incident. but combined with other events - the total is more serious and devastating. you have the right to feel upset and hurt by it. (just in case you need permission!)

and - btw - something similar happened to me. it took me decades to start taking it seriously and to recognize it for what it was.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#463111 - 03/25/14 12:11 AM Re: Stuff from age 13 [Re: traveler]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
That is so true Traveler. It is abuse that is cumulative. I found that it had this domino effect on me and takes me way back and so has this insidious way of effecting me like early childhood abuses did. I always wondered like you txb why these perps just seemed to think they could just violate me . Almost like they knew I was damaged goods. After years of agonizing and constantly being afraid of anyone who approached me I realized that the identifying mark that drew them was in a word vulnerability. The abuses we experienced at the hands of those who were supposed to be providing a safe place to live infused this condition in us. For me just realizing this cleared up much anxiety and self doubt I lived with constantly. I now know why I was so vulnerable ( and still am to some degree) came from. I don't think denying it does any good or helps us in our recovery. Recognizing the source really can help us arm or equip ourselves with coping mechanisms that will disarm the would be perpetrators. We can start to see them for what they are.
Sentry

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#463114 - 03/25/14 04:34 AM Re: Stuff from age 13 [Re: txb]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 577
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
At this point it doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. I incorporated all the beliefs associated with the abuse, so the only thing to change is the thought forms inside me. And for that, the only thing that seems to work other than simple awareness is love and compassion. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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