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#462887 - 03/20/14 10:01 AM It has been a decade.
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ten years. A decade. It is a long time, but it also is the blink of an eye. That is how long I have been single now. As of today. Life gives us people, and moments, and happenings. Some of the people change our lives for the better, some do not, some are a shadow and soon disappear.

The first person I shared my sexual abuse story with was my wife. And many times thoughout the next 24 years, she had to deal with me and the recurring behaviors the CSA left me with. And she stayed. She supported. She loved.

My wife died on this date a decade ago. She was 45. It is no longer a deep, profound grief that I feel, but rather an appreciation that in this life I was permitted to know what it was like for someone to care about me, even to protect me. To love me unconditionally. And to make me a better man.

As irrational as it will sound, sometimes I still feel guilty because I couldn't protect her from the cancer. Sometimes I still have tears because she is gone. Just like this morning.

And I also think of my life during the past 10 years. I have made some BIG mistakes in my quest to discover myself. Some BIG mistakes were done to me. But I have attended therapy (A LOT), and developed new boundaries, and made new friends, and embraced the new life I have. I wish I could erase the ASA, but I can't. Just like the CSA it will forever be a part of me. They have became fraternal brothers in my head and heart. They are what brought me to MS.

I am beginning to ramble because the thoughts are many and emotionally ladened. Soooo……

But today, the sun is NOT obscured by the clouds and it seems this long winter has ended. I am driving for a couple of hours to the cemetery were she was laid to rest to pay homage. To spend the day looking at the sky and the hills and the fields… well, you get the picture. I want honor the one person who truly changed my life. Who truly loved me. Whom I truly loved. And I will just remember.

And men of MS. I hesitated to share this day, but like an obsession, I had to. I needed to trust… it is one of the things I am working on. Many thanks for reading and thinking and positive energy and accepting me as I am today.

bill


Edited by ThisMan (03/20/14 10:04 AM)
Edit Reason: because i have a name. lol
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#462890 - 03/20/14 10:48 AM Re: It has been a decade. [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
no words are adequate - just:

((((((((((((bill))))))))))))

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#462891 - 03/20/14 10:55 AM Re: It has been a decade. [Re: ThisMan]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1568
This Man,

Thank you for sharing. I am so happy your wife was there for you and she did not become the shadow and disappear like many of us have experienced. Some physically disappear and others emotionally disappear. You should take great comfort in knowing she stood by you and your memories of her should be a great comfort.

ASA and CSA never leave us, it is part of us. But until we confront it, and take control our life is not our life. You appear to be moving forward, new friends and new beginnings.

And today you deserve to reflect on your wife, she truly changed you for the better. She did not leave your side, probably rebuffed those that told her to leave but she saw the good despite the acting out from CSA. You had a blessed life with her.

Kevin

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#462895 - 03/20/14 12:37 PM Re: It has been a decade. [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Her love for you will forever be part of you. And it counts for more than the bad stuff, because unlike the bad stuff it was based upon a realization of the good person you really are and it featured you being treated the way you deserved to be treated. And it created a strong loving family that will outlast the pain and will always be on your side.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#462901 - 03/20/14 04:29 PM Re: It has been a decade. [Re: ThisMan]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 469
Loc: UK
Glad you could share with us, sending you good thoughts ((((((Bill))))))
Peter

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#463117 - 03/25/14 07:17 AM Re: It has been a decade. [Re: ThisMan]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 695
Loc: Southeast USA
(((((((Bill)))))))

I've been a way for a couple of days...I wish I had seen this the day you posted it.

Your post is poignant, but very affirming of your wife and the strides you have made. Like Matt said, her love is still a part of you.

Be well.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#463384 - 03/29/14 06:28 PM Re: It has been a decade. [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1093
Loc: The ATL

((((Bill))))

Sorry I missed this beautiful and moving post last week, my friend. I've been a little out of the loop lately. I hope you had a pleasant and peaceful day of remembrance and reflection when you visited your wife. I'm sure she was there with you the whole time. Peace,

Ken

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