Newest Members
yayasdad, HereNow, Sharara, Unsure42, AndyLA
12639 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Bmurray (62), hancocksby (32), hankler (74), jimrh (55), MellowJoe (50), owlhead (47), Texas_Mike (62), tom baron (60)
Who's Online
2 registered (Obi, 1 invisible), 28 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12639 Members
74 Forums
64888 Topics
453670 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3
Topic Options
#462843 - 03/19/14 06:20 AM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
DrumRunner Offline

Registered: 02/06/14
Posts: 16
Loc: Massachusetts
I wish the MS discussion board had a "like" button for individual posts :-)

Seeing the common threads in the multitude of our CSA adult symptoms helps me not feel so alone. And it's that alone place where I often want to disappear to; a place which is equal parts sanctuary and prison. Thanks everyone!

#462845 - 03/19/14 06:27 AM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
pete1973 Offline

Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 43
Loc: Ontario, Canada
"like" smile

#462846 - 03/19/14 06:54 AM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
pete1973 Offline

Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 43
Loc: Ontario, Canada
DrumRunner, you said it best, well at least in my situation. The secrets are definitely the poison and I have been working hard with my counselor and therapist to rid myself of as many of the secrets as possible. I don't want to and can't live my life in secret anymore. The secrets increased the shame and guilt and embarrassment and drove me to re-victimizing myself and feeling like I deserved to be hurt and abused and even pushed me to get a man to try to abuse me.
Now there are pretty much no more secrets, there are private issues which I was taught are acceptable and needed but no secrets can do me any good. The abuse began as a big secret and just grew. It happened before I hit puberty and didn't know anything about sex so when puberty hit and I enjoyed my first ejaculation the guilt and shame just came rushing in and I could only enjoy it by myself as I had a strong belief that I would not hurt myself and I kept this belief and secret until I was again abused at 18, after that things went to shit and the poison just filled my body. I got into drugs, abused sexually by the first woman I had sex with, grew distant from all of my family and the few friends I had and even when I realized how low I was I couldn't find the strength to leave and thank god the bitch decided to leave me.

Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.