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#463578 - 04/02/14 08:17 PM Re: Healing the Infant Me [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 700
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Thanks Rich. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463596 - 04/03/14 05:37 AM Re: Healing the Infant Me [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 700
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Everyone,

I've had a breakthrough this morning. I've been surprised at how much is blocked with me considering how willing I am and how much work I do. I've known about my father's sexual abuse and physical abuse for 11 years now, but it has existed in a foggy place separate from an emotional reality. TRIGGERS. I have always involuntarily gagged when smelling the odor of semen. This morning I began to FEEL the REALITY of the violence of physically being forced to suck my father and the threat of violence if I told. I choked on his semen and he beat me and told me I was bad. My mother's stuff only began to surface about a year ago. I know she forced me sexually and suffocated me with pillows, with hand on my mouth and nose, and hand(s?) around my throat. And I know I blacked out with the pillow. This still exists only in the foggy place of disconnection.

I taught myself very early that I was bad and crazy, that I couldn't believe my own knowledge of my own experience, and that anything bad that happened was my fault because something was wrong with me. Well, something was wrong with me. But, I was assigning causality to myself, where it did not belong. I am heartened to begin to feel this early damage. The feeling place is the healing place, for me.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463684 - 04/04/14 11:05 PM Re: Healing the Infant Me [Re: don64]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 344
Loc: NY
Don:

Been thinking about your post and the need not only to feel, but also to touch and know who you were, to not let that boy be left behind. True courage and reason to hope.

Please remember to be kind to yourself in the process of coming to know such strongly felt experience.

Peace and good will.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#463698 - 04/05/14 10:23 AM Re: Healing the Infant Me [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 700
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Thanks FB.

I've come to another understanding of my infant and young self. And, it FEELS personal. My young self had no physical ability to protect myself. Faced with the assaults on myself, and having no physical ability to change my situation, the only thing I could was to FORCE a change of thinking in myself. I had to FORCE myself to disbelieve the reality of my young life with my parents. In other words, I had to force insane thinking as an adaptive way to psychically survive. I had to believe my caretakers were not a danger to me. I had to believe I was safe with them. NOT SO!!!!!!!!!!

To feel personally connected to this is a small step in feeling connected to myself, and a snapshot of feeling real and a whole person. It is amazing to me to feel REAL about ME in this situation. And, I view myself with great respect. I have been so dissociated from my feelings this lifetime, and so hyper-aware of the feelings of others. I am feeling I have to be incredibly competent as a whole person to have pulled this off and to be where I am today. It also feels good to let go of any baseline comparative place about where I should be or ought to be. I am where I am. And, I love me just as I am where I am.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#464557 - 04/25/14 11:12 AM Re: Healing the Infant Me [Re: don64]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 196
I meant to add this a while ago, sorry. You might be interested in Lifespan Integration therapy. I was recommended this by a therapist I went to see, but I didn't like the sound of it. And she (the therapist) was obsessing about the fact my mother left me when I was a baby, which wasn't the issue I was there for. But maybe it will be of use to others. http://www.lifespanintegration.com/

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#464561 - 04/25/14 12:07 PM Re: Healing the Infant Me [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 700
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi txb,

Thanks so much for the resource. It sounds very on target for issues such as mine. Like all therapy situations, it would depend on the competence of the therapist. I would need a LOT of trust in a therapist in order to do this with someone else. I would not ever completely abdicate my own common sense and feelings in favor of someone else's time line, so the therapist would have to have an unusual level of sensitivity. It doesn't sound like the therapist you got the referral from had the level of sensitivity you needed. I'm a much more educated consumer today than I was in the past. Thanks for the referral, and I will definitely keep my ears open.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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