Thanks for the responses to the original post.
I suppose I would have been seen as a sissy boy when I was a kid. I was not a natural ball player. I was not aggressive by nature, but I was more gentle and thoughtful. Perhaps this was something taken into account by the various "perps" who abused me. Perhaps they saw me as a sweet kid. Actually I was trying to find my way into a musical world. Even today, music is the most motivating thing in my life.
My father didn't want me to be a musician. He wanted me to be a ball player. For that reason I suppose I had a natural rejection built into the way I grew up. He probably saw me as being a sissy boy.
When I was 10, I was taken advantage of (sexually) by the 17-year-old who lived across the street. I wrote this up as pufferfish story part 4
. Part of that story relates how I conjured up enough courage to tell my father about abuse happening across the street. My parents had almost forced me to go over there even though they didn't understand what would happen. Then my father responded with extreme anger and violence. The whole thing was viciously destructive to my relationships with father and others and to my personality. A photo taken the next day shows me looking very cowed holding a ball and bat.
In an adjacent picture, my father was seen in a self- contented posture, lying on an outdoor bench. I suppose that subconsciously I knew that he wanted a ball player. But a ball player I was NOT. The price was rejection of me as a person, or that's how it came across to me. I don't suppose I ever recovered from that trauma and it probably contributed to the trauma which would follow.
Edited later: Beside me on the bench is my loving grandmother Ollie. She helped me so much. You can see that she is reaching out to me in the photo. On my other side trying to hold the bat is my sister.