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#459298 - 01/23/14 11:49 PM Arrested to abuse
si Offline

Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 46
Loc: Utah
I feel arrested to the abuse, like the abuse is a giant boulder and i'm held to it by chains. I was born at the top of a hill, with bright lights and clear skies. But someone arrested me to this boulder, and pushed me down the hill. The last thing I remember when falling was a beautiful golden butterfly, fluttering at the top of the hill, bathing in the sun's light. I want back up the hill, I want to catch that butterfly and make it mine. but what is a boy to do? Sit against the boulder and try to make do. Look at the bottom of the hill and try to accept reality the way it is, trying to change what I can with what little resources exist here. It is a tough journey up the hill, and it seems the farther I get, the harder I roll back down. I beat myself up, hurt myself, scream at myself. Why can't I break free. I just want to be back at the top. I want to be one with the golden butterfly in the sun's light. Its been so long, I don't even remember what the sun's rays feel like. Even if I tried to be like the golden butterfly, I would be an imitation, a gilded copy of something so beautiful, so innocent. It is nice to dream, but practical to accept my reality. So as I lean against this boulder that has become the backdrop of my life, broken and bruised, I pull my knees up to my chest, rest my head, and feel the emotion burn its way through my eyes.

#459308 - 01/24/14 02:56 AM Re: Arrested to abuse [Re: si]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
fwiw, si, I can't even come close to the eloquence in your post.

It describes perfectly what I've been feeling about my life, especially the past year or so. Thank you.

#459313 - 01/24/14 04:37 AM Re: Arrested to abuse [Re: si]
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 696
Pretty beautifully put, Si. Given my own situation at the moment, your post really hit me hard. I tried going back uphill, and I almost reached the top, but I failed at the last hurdle - I got shot down. I find myself back at the bottom, leaning against the boulder like you. I think the top of the hill will always be a foreign land for us, but I don't think that necessarily means we don't deserve to be there. Some part of us will always know we'll be an outcast there, but at the same time, I think assimilation and integration are also possible - I've seen others do it. I'm not going to give up, and from what I know about you, you won't either. Maybe all we can do sometimes is, like you said, accept reality, and perhaps plan a different route up the hill. Hang in there buddy.

#459347 - 01/24/14 11:20 PM Re: Arrested to abuse [Re: si]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 769
Loc: upper south
Si, your post brought tears to my eyes. It is a beautifully written piece portraying the weight of the abuse we deal with throughout time. Maybe it was the butterfly that drew me in so deeply, the butterfly I saw as I made my last walk at the age of 4 away from innocence. All I can say is keep that image close to your heart, when the weight of the boulder becomes more than you can bear, bring forth the image. Let that image be what gives you extra strength to begin the climb again back up the hill. One day you will again stand at the crest and spread your arms wide.

You won't be the butterfly you remember, but you won't be an imitation either. You will spread your wings wide as you emerge, becoming an original. Becoming something new. Each day, each effort made, is a day toward that renewal. And it does take a long time, but each day is a step toward that newness that everyone on this site talks about. It does happen.

…btw…the beauty of your words is pretty indicative of the beauty of your spirit. They never touched our spirit, you know? They entered our minds. They used our bodies. We can even say they raped our souls- because they did. BUT THEY NEVER TOUCHED OUR SPIRITS. And yours shines as forth as a diamond.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.


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