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#459359 - 01/25/14 06:47 AM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
BraveFalcon Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1090
Loc: The ATL

Hi Puff. In your original post, you said EMDR had gotten you out of it for the most part. Does that mean "Buzzy" is gone or is he still a part of you? Just curious.

As far as having an inner child goes, I'd say I almost more have an inner adult. "Little Ken" is who the world sees and the adult Ken is who I have to bring out to do dumb responsible stuff.

By the way, not to digress to much but, as far as the "freedom of youth" goes and childhood being "carefree", I believe those concepts are more or less a myth. That's just something people say when they are romanticizing their childhoods and choosing not to remember how much being a kid f'ing sucked. Childhood is no more "carefree" than adulthood, even for those who were not abused in any way. There is no freedom in youth either. It's the opposite. Childhood is a prison that you have to endure until you are an adult and are released into the world. Just sayin'. Peace,

Ken

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#459375 - 01/25/14 10:07 AM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: BraveFalcon]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3028
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon
As far as having an inner child goes, I'd say I almost more have an inner adult. "Little Ken" is who the world sees and the adult Ken is who I have to bring out to do dumb responsible stuff.


this could very well apply to me as well.
i was struck by how you put that.
very astute. BraveFalcon!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

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#459376 - 01/25/14 10:09 AM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3028
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: traveler
I do have an "inner child" - or as I prefer to say - a "younger self" - it makes us seem more connected


i like this semantic shift.
it does feel more connected.

thanks, traverle.
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Victor|Victim

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#459477 - 01/26/14 10:38 PM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: victor-victim]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
Boy Buzzy was actually quite afraid of losing his identity as therapy progressed. In spite of the terrible emotions and the traumatic memories, there was still a feeling of the blissfulness of youth.

This never happened as a loss of Buzzy's integrity, so the fears were not materialized. This may have been an advantage of EMDR. Each session was begun by focusing on a specific triggering memory, without addressing Buzzy's personality or integrity. That way, the traumas that caused the separation of the personality states were each dealt with separately without threatening Buzzy.

After the EMDR, I (Buzzy and me and the others) had lots of memory tags to follow through on. The EMDR left a lot of memory tags disrupted. I had associating names and specific information for a number of years.

Puffer

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#459557 - 01/27/14 09:50 PM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
one of my favorite John Darnielle quotes:

"it's good to be young but let's not kid ourselves
it's better to pass on through those years and come out the other side
with our hearts still beating
having stared down demons
and come back breathing"
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#459653 - 01/29/14 03:00 AM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3028
Loc: O Kanada
here is one of my favourite quotes from apostle paul.

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

and here is something else i find very beautiful and soothing to my inner child.

At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.”

“Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.
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Victor|Victim

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#459693 - 01/29/14 12:20 PM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
Interesting post, my friend.

Does Allen still feel like a child sometimes or is it only Buzzy and the others? Because that's something that happens with me.

My grown up personalities hate everything childhood- related. I don't like being around kids. The way babies smell triggers me badly. My abuse included witnessing the abuse of other children so my own split child personalities get mixed with these other real children I remember (in my nightmares, mostly). The actual word "child" makes me feel unconfortable, especially when it's spoken. Its sound is triggering for me.

Despite all this, I have many, many child personalities, ranging from 11 months to ? until what age do you consider someone a child? These child ones take over my mind sometimes (a lot less since I'm hospitalized)but I still get their thoughts and feelings. I still *NEED* to play with crayons and legos like every day, still need to read comics (well something adults could do too but in my case is the request of some of my child ones) and such. If you look at it in perspective, I can't keep a job. I can't take care of myself. I can't have a real life, ever. Sometimes I feel I'm an eternal child. And not any child but a very damaged one.

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#459744 - 01/30/14 12:38 AM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Daniel_forgotten
Interesting post, my friend.

Does Allen still feel like a child sometimes or is it only Buzzy and the others? Because that's something that happens with me.


I don't feel like a boy anymore. But I feel like my age is somewhere in the teens. (That's just the feeling). Perhaps 15 or something. But I don't feel that tension anymore of being the hurting 12-y-o and the adult. Now I can see the boy Buzzy as who I was then and I don't have to keep on trying to be him anymore. I can let him rest.

My therapist says he can "age" my person hypnotically. I'm not sure I want that at all, as long as I'm not acting out in a way that's not socially acceptable.

I still have others. The one that hears and replays classical music is still there. But he's not a problem. It's kind of nice. I usually hear the music before bed. I think that's because that's when that one started.

Quote:

My grown up personalities hate everything childhood- related. I don't like being around kids. The way babies smell triggers me badly. My abuse included witnessing the abuse of other children so my own split child personalities get mixed with these other real children I remember (in my nightmares, mostly). The actual word "child" makes me feel uncomfortable, especially when it's spoken. Its sound is triggering for me.

I have mixed feelings I guess. I didn't really have very much fun as a child. In addition, I realize now that the torture and abuse were for a purpose. I've seen this purpose in several of the books I've been reading. They thought that the torture had to result in the victim being reduced to a zero and then he would be "programmable". I think this is called depersonalization disorder. So that vacant personality tends to wish he could have fun when he sees boys having fun, like in playing ball or sledding. I don't think they knew how to do what they were trying to do then, so the result was that they kind of trashed me. I was probably considered expendable. But here I am, and I've made tremendous progress in these ways. I have reached a point where I enjoy life but I still have some big deficits.
Quote:

Despite all this, I have many, many child personalities, ranging from 11 months to ? until what age do you consider someone a child? These child ones take over my mind sometimes (a lot less since I'm hospitalized)but I still get their thoughts and feelings. I still *NEED* to play with crayons and legos like every day, still need to read comics (well something adults could do too but in my case is the request of some of my child ones) and such.

I'll send you some comics. I've found that listening to music has a healing and unifying effect on these problems with me. For me, Mozart is the best. Some organizations which try to form DID in children say they use vibrations. Well, Mozart has the BEST vibrations for healing. Within the last week I found a box in the basement which contains some "toys" I used to need. It has some beautiful minerals, a brass whale, and some other stuff. It's OK. I don't need to apologize. Neither do you.
Quote:

If you look at it in perspective, I can't keep a job. I can't take care of myself. I can't have a real life, ever. Sometimes I feel I'm an eternal child. And not any child but a very damaged one.

Healing is possible. I think you are making progress. I certainly know the feeling of being a damaged child. As I said in the post I made above, EMDR got past this terrible feeling of being the hurt Buzzy. It's not that I didn't want to be Buzzy at all. That feeling was precious and it didn't have to dissolve. It just stopped being an issue. Buzzy didn't die but the terrible memories which kept him apart have been resolved. So now he is free to grow. I also have talk therapy, which answers my questions (I had 10,000 question) and helps me to understand people so that I can begin to appreciate them. I had hypnotherapy also which resolved a lot of my child personalities. They had never grown or become very entrenched, so it was fairly easy for the therapist to encourage them to merge with the adult person because they were compliant.

Puffer

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#459855 - 01/31/14 05:44 PM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
I've moved this post the forum for Movies and Pictures of my growing up.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=459866&#Post459866

Puffer





Edited by pufferfish (01/31/14 09:49 PM)

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