Interesting post, my friend.
Does Allen still feel like a child sometimes or is it only Buzzy and the others? Because that's something that happens with me.
I don't feel like a boy anymore. But I feel like my age is somewhere in the teens. (That's just the feeling). Perhaps 15 or something. But I don't feel that tension anymore of being the hurting 12-y-o and the adult. Now I can see the boy Buzzy as who I was then and I don't have to keep on trying to be him anymore. I can let him rest.
My therapist says he can "age" my person hypnotically. I'm not sure I want that at all, as long as I'm not acting out in a way that's not socially acceptable.
I still have others. The one that hears and replays classical music is still there. But he's not a problem. It's kind of nice. I usually hear the music before bed. I think that's because that's when that one started.
My grown up personalities hate everything childhood- related. I don't like being around kids. The way babies smell triggers me badly. My abuse included witnessing the abuse of other children so my own split child personalities get mixed with these other real children I remember (in my nightmares, mostly). The actual word "child" makes me feel uncomfortable, especially when it's spoken. Its sound is triggering for me.
I have mixed feelings I guess. I didn't really have very much fun as a child. In addition, I realize now that the torture and abuse were for a purpose. I've seen this purpose in several of the books I've been reading. They thought that the torture had to result in the victim being reduced to a zero and then he would be "programmable". I think this is called depersonalization disorder. So that vacant personality tends to wish he could have fun when he sees boys having fun, like in playing ball or sledding. I don't think they knew how to do what they were trying to do then, so the result was that they kind of trashed me. I was probably considered expendable. But here I am, and I've made tremendous progress in these ways. I have reached a point where I enjoy life but I still have some big deficits.
Despite all this, I have many, many child personalities, ranging from 11 months to ? until what age do you consider someone a child? These child ones take over my mind sometimes (a lot less since I'm hospitalized)but I still get their thoughts and feelings. I still *NEED* to play with crayons and legos like every day, still need to read comics (well something adults could do too but in my case is the request of some of my child ones) and such.
I'll send you some comics. I've found that listening to music has a healing and unifying effect on these problems with me. For me, Mozart is the best. Some organizations which try to form DID in children say they use vibrations. Well, Mozart has the BEST vibrations for healing. Within the last week I found a box in the basement which contains some "toys" I used to need. It has some beautiful minerals, a brass whale, and some other stuff. It's OK. I don't need to apologize. Neither do you.
If you look at it in perspective, I can't keep a job. I can't take care of myself. I can't have a real life, ever. Sometimes I feel I'm an eternal child. And not any child but a very damaged one.
Healing is possible. I think you are making progress. I certainly know the feeling of being a damaged child. As I said in the post I made above, EMDR got past this terrible feeling of being the hurt Buzzy. It's not that I didn't want to be Buzzy at all. That feeling was precious and it didn't have to dissolve. It just stopped being an issue. Buzzy didn't die but the terrible memories which kept him apart have been resolved. So now he is free to grow. I also have talk therapy, which answers my questions (I had 10,000 question) and helps me to understand people so that I can begin to appreciate them. I had hypnotherapy also which resolved a lot of my child personalities. They had never grown or become very entrenched, so it was fairly easy for the therapist to encourage them to merge with the adult person because they were compliant.