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#459600 - 01/28/14 01:54 PM Re: Would You Take the Magic Pill [Re: CafeMan]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 586
I've looked at this thread for a week and a half and have pondered every answer. There are a lot of factors for me.

1. I have a rare sleeping disorder. Looking back on my childhood, I recognize now (and my parents SHOULD have recognized it then) that the symptoms were even more pronounced as a child. I spent a large part of my childhood sleep deprived without anyone bothering to notice. Its hard to say what affect that had on who I became, but it is not inconsequential.

2. I am bipolar and even though I believe abuse probably has a greater effect on neurology and epigenetics than is even currently accepted, I think I probably would have been bipolar no matter what.

3. I was physically and emotionally abused on a much more regular basis than I was sexually abused. In fact, I would say that my inability to prevent the sexual abuse was the result of the conditioning to not resist the physical abuse. So from a certain perspective the sexual abuse was really itself just a consequence of the physical abuse.

So I've come to recognize that I would be a pretty messed up person even without the CSA. The overt sexual perps were people who were not family members and are not still in my life. The covert emotional incest and the regular physical abuse were much harder for me to admit to since they were committed by people who I had been trained to have allegiance to. It was by beginning to deal with the CSA that I realized that the periods of my life marked by overt CSA (age 4, ages 7-8) existed within a larger abusive framework that persisted from the time I was an infant to my mid-twenties. But the CSA definitely multiplied and further twisted an already bad situation. If I could take a pill that could remove all or some of its consequences, I would not be the same person. It would basically be like murdering who I am and another person would be in my place.
And if I could be promised that other person would be a happier man and a better husband, I would do it in a millisecond.
But I can't take the pill and even if I could I wouldn't know exactly which things it would change.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#459607 - 01/28/14 03:52 PM Re: Would You Take the Magic Pill [Re: Jacob S]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 181
Same. I think I'd still be pretty messed up. Iíd still have the same parents and the same psycho uncle. But I would still take the pill. At least my life would only be a bit fucked up instead of completely fucked up. I could close my eyes at night without seeing disturbing stuff.

I would not credit being abused with anything positive about myself at all. Stuff like empathy and compassion are normal human emotions. I didnít need to be abused to be able to feel them.

(I watched this film called The Butterfly Effect. There was this guy who went back in time to try and change things so a friend of his wouldnít have been abused, but by changing things he caused catastrophic effects for other people. Every time he went back and changed stuff he just messed things up more.)

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#459612 - 01/28/14 04:02 PM Re: Would You Take the Magic Pill [Re: CafeMan]
johndoe Offline


Registered: 11/15/13
Posts: 10
Loc: california
I would take that pill without a second thought. I would like to be able to have a conversation with a co-worker or acquaintance and be able to look them in the eye without feeling awkward or creepy. I would like to not have the unhealthy urges (hyper-sexuality) that hit me and threaten my marriage and health. I would like to not be always pessimistic/sarcastic for no healthy or sane reason.

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#459620 - 01/28/14 07:32 PM Re: Would You Take the Magic Pill [Re: CafeMan]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 465
Loc: UK
Its a good question, on balance I would take it, to refuse it would almost be saying I am grateful that the abuse happened. I have learned some valuable things in my efforts to heal but over all I think the pain far outweighs the gain. If I could spare the child I was the sheer misery of the abuse and the terrible coping strategies, I don't see how I could refuse. I don't think that I would have been essentially that different just more the real me, recovery is after all about recovering the person we were meant to be, so yeah I would take any short cut.


Edited by Rustam (01/28/14 07:33 PM)

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#459652 - 01/29/14 01:50 AM Re: Would You Take the Magic Pill [Re: CafeMan]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
If I could answer this question and just be able to think of myself I would still answer no. My grandfather was a deplorable person, so this pill would have stopped occasional sexual abuse but the daily beatings of a drunkard would still remain, the neglect from my parents would have continued, maybe I wouldnít have left home @15, and yes 39 years later I would never have to relive the nightmare in my head. But what about the other people in my life; my wife, my children? I doubt very seriously I would have met my wife and in which case my sons would never have been born. Thatís the problem for me, if all I endured were the beatings I couldnít be who I was to be there to meet my wife, to be sitting here typing this today. I grew up not remembering any of it; the rapes the beatings, my fatherís betrayal; everything. I grew up being told I was just a fucked up piece of shit, I believed this until I met my wife and she gave me an idea that maybe I was ok after all and that everyone else was wrong. Over the years I was able to gain confidence in myself and I actually even began to like myself a bit. I realized yes I was ďnot like everybody elseĒ but I was ok with me I had accepted the fact that I was very different from everyone else in a lot of ways. I turned my back on most of societies values because I had to figure out on my own ( read with the wifeís help of course) what I cared about; its wasnít money or a job or anything like that; just to be left alone to live and do what I wanted to do and tell everyone to go fuck themselves. Thatís my reality; I spent 39 years trying to figure myself out and finally have, how could I turn my back on myself, how could I be like the rest of humanity and just throw up my hands on myself? Itís been over a year since my "abreaction"; thanks Puffer for the 12 dollar word; and finally Iím finding some peace, not perfect but I realize that the me of 2 years ago although imperfect was pretty good, and as I explore myself more and more I find I like myself more and more. Yes I did sacrifice a lot to be here today in the condition Iím in; Iíve hurt a lot of people and for that Iím truly sorry and hope theyíll forgive me, but Iíve actually for the first time in my life have a plan a goal that is only mine and without the shit Iíve gone through there is no way Iíd be here today.

Chris
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#459689 - 01/29/14 12:04 PM Re: Would You Take the Magic Pill [Re: Jacob S]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 915
Loc: southern California
I'm glad you're here, Jacob S. You're a a strong communicator. I appreciate your perfectly-worded post.
_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#459690 - 01/29/14 12:07 PM Re: Would You Take the Magic Pill [Re: CafeMan]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 915
Loc: southern California
Chris,
What a perfect and great post. I hope someday I can really embrace all you expressed, for myself. You're my new role model.
_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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