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#457609 - 12/29/13 10:20 PM Starting to say it
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 203
Loc: canada
I can't say what I need to say
Not sure what it is I need to say
But bits and pieces of things come up and I jot them down
Like a collage of half thought and almost forgots

Sometimes I fill my whole body corner to corner...
He would twist my arm behind my back when I wouldn't cry...
My grandfather saying "try not to think about it, Benicha", his hand on my back...
"You're the only man I've ever loved, geetch"...
The way my dad would push his forehead against mine and just sit there, like he was trying to figure something out...
And I'm on so many meds...
Signing my parental rights away. Twice...
A fireplace poker...
His best friends dog...
The day my best friend told me she wanted nothing to do with me anymore...
And i love this forum, really. A lot...
Roger...
Surgeries and sepsis and ileostomies and -ectomies and revisions and SBS...
Jake visiting me on the psych ward...
Painting the hallway with Cameron...
Moshe...

I can't say what I want to say
Sorry for these half thoughts
But I'm afraid if I don't start I will never finish
So here is my start
At saying something

...

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#457611 - 12/29/13 10:50 PM Re: Starting to say it [Re: bey]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Bey,

There is so much pain and happiness here...

Some I understand, some I don't. Some I know what you're referring to, some I don't.

I hope you keep adding to this list. I know you have so much more to add. I hope, the more you add, the clearer it might become - what you want to say.
_________________________
Husky

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#457620 - 12/30/13 07:58 AM Re: Starting to say it [Re: bey]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 747
Loc: michigan
you have said a ton my bud just keep on talking!
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#457623 - 12/30/13 09:35 AM Re: Starting to say it [Re: bey]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 203
Loc: canada
Some days are easier than others
today i'm up and foggy
a mix of sleep meds, antipsychotics and stress
to be sure
and lord i want to edit this post
which contains words i never say
not for 21 yrs or more
but i will leave it, cuz maybe saying the words lead somewhere other than crazy
and maybe telling that story will lead somewhere other than where i am
which is nowhere
but someone else's bed
in someone else's house
in someone else's head
living someone else's life
just nowhere

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#457666 - 12/31/13 02:12 AM Re: Starting to say it [Re: bey]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
... really my friend ... words are not important ...
... you are.
We hear you even if you don't speak ...
but we want to read what you want to say.
Keep writing.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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