When i was born in 1974 , i didnt know that i was supposed
to kill my brain.
I didnt know that i was supposed to kill my brain.
I have no money .and have been using my credit card,, for
everything, ; groceries, tea @ coffee shop..some
other unnecessary items.
Now, i went to my bank today ( i dont know why i have an
account... i never have savings.)
..and i was going to pay my one credit card in full.
And make a small payment to the other.
Well, i am a member of a gym..and i forget that they withdrawl
their payment from my account ..the same day of each month.
I didnt have enough...so it bounced and i had -25.00 dollars.
I have no money.
And i blame(DD) this on me.
My mom yells at me....I dont know who my mom ;;;;was.. I see
billies ( cousin) mom's face..and scaring me.. and I imagine
my head ..lowered in embarassement.
I no longer want to picture any thing in my brain..ever again.
Here,,in Canada...or at least in Manitoba..i am on disablility
and ..i might have the opportunity to get some small education
..something that i can handle, psychologically.
BUT!
I am now looking for work.
Anything small to make some money.
See i didnt care about me. Never did.
Always being special for my dad ' s brother and folks.
And i thought by schizophrenia i thought i knew everything/
it all!
I thought that i was the only guy in this world.. that
i knew everything.
Never actually reading anything... always told that i was
a bad boy.. my mom told me that i had to be special for her
and her husband.
Isnt love ,wonderful!
To be stressed all the time.. worry, about world stuff,,,
y'know stuff that happens everywhere.. government,, stuff
that makes me mental.. even thou i shouldnt even care.
... I can care but not too much.
So here ..today Dec. 10. i go to work..
only i dont work.
I feel like i am working , but i am not.
Quite , weird, huh? !
I dont know English words... i can never concentrate on words
too much.. and those who actually care to like me or
whatever will always say "your English is excellent".
Reason, really i dont have an accent.
I try to listen to my dad,,when we have coffee.
But i dont like killing.
And this is what happened.
He, my dad - the other one.
Drived me insane as he drove me, around and around in the 70's
,80's ..not clear what he was doing...other than i had to
listen or I would kill him.
I possessed my dad. I was responsible for him and his
daughters.
No body.. would care.
I wish i killed him, then.
But, now even my mom ..would give me shit.
Telling me .." Yeah, you are like your uncle."
I wish she could die.
I never wanted to touch, anybody.
And now that i am gay... who cares about me.
Well, i tell ya, I care about me.
I never want to be in debt ever again.
And my folks will never know when i am working.
Never know my ideas, or what i want to do in life.
If someone wants to be rich, like my family members..hey
go nuts! I dont care.
I never want to take my life for granted..or my being
naive ..is soooo counterproductive.
I dont trust my family - why should i?
I never want to be loved by any family member.
To teach me that my mom is mental,, and that she isnt my mom
and brainwash me...and even more to tell me sick shit to tell
her. WEll, i got beating alot,,when i was young.
I am 39 and i have memories man, that i can assume they happened literally yesterday.
Some that are frightening some not as much.
But i remember they laughed at me.. both when taking off my
underwear.. my actual real dad.. laughing ,too.
Yea. So i dont want to trust anyone..
..it takes alot of time.
My brain,,has to take time to heal.
I dont need daddy, mommy, or anyone that literally is related
to me.
My brother..literally ,wants me to believe that there is really
pychologically wrong w/ me.
I never want to see him ever again.
I dont want or need to be anxious for any of them again.
I would say that i do want them to die.
But in a very scary way.
I hope my dad..has a mental breakdown.
These are just words.. nothing ever happens to these sick people. I still have to work , pay my bills,, slow down
relax.. breathe and educate myself.
I can say..." hey i want a life like that".... not any more!
I dont watch movies any more.
I am sensitive and i am trying to take in spirituality, God
the whole love for myself and others.
And i hope they never want to think ever again, my brother
incuded!
Never do i want to hate myself for my father and the other ones. I nor other people dont want to kill themselves or
anyone else.
I never was special.. and to me special is the same thing is
'end your life, you are garbage'!
Never,
never
never
neve
Have a good life!

Goran