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#455525 - 11/30/13 03:21 AM thirteen going on fourty
amcoffee Offline


Registered: 06/10/13
Posts: 4
Back story:
I was severly raped and groomed when I was thirteen and fourteen by a male pedophile. I kept the memories down until I was twenty. I then had a psychotic breakdown from the memories resurfacing. I got a lot of support from my mom, a therapist, and was able to talk to the police. The abuser was found guilty and is in the middle of serving his prison sentence. The judge doubled the mandatory prison minimum prison time. I continued in therapy.
Present Time:
Since then, except for a few years I have always lived at home and been taken care of by my mom. I have met very few people I would call actual friends. I never did things like get a drivers lisence or date. Now that I am going on fourty, I get angry and scared that I will live at home for the rest of my life.
I am very intelligent, but school has been extremely hard to stay with since I am diagnosed with complex PTSD.
I have a little money, but going out and spending it with others or talking with people in there homes is almost impossible for me, especially males.
Over the past couple of years I have been able to work a minimum wage job. I wish I could talk to people there. All my time and energy is spent trying to make sense and cover up for the fact I was abused.
Will I ever be able to take care of myself without my moms help? Will I ever make friends with people I'd like to talk to? Will someone ever want to get to know me intimately?
Recovery has taken so long for me.
I'm going to try to be more positive in future post. It just still seems like there are these people who are perfect when seen maneuvering against the stressors of life. I know they obviously aren't perfect, it just seems that way to me. I and my head full of abuse thoughts don't really exist to them.
I remember I live at home and am supported mainly by my mom. I remember I can't change this right now and then I get mean and angry.
Thanks for the positive responses to my last post. It inspired me to try to open up more.

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#455542 - 11/30/13 06:37 AM five going on fifty two [Re: amcoffee]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3584
Loc: O Kanada
i am really glad you have decided to open up more.

that can only be good for you.

i can relate to your post.

i was just diagnosed with PTSD this year after a car accident,
but i feel like i have had it all of my life.
i just didn't know what it was.

you can sign me,
five going on fifty two.

keep healing, brother.

have a cup on me
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#455572 - 11/30/13 12:54 PM Re: five going on fifty two [Re: amcoffee]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Thank you for sharing your story.. makes me wanna grab a coffee smile

I know it can be hard to be positive, i myself am struggling at this point too. But you are trying and that is a good sign. I recognize a lot of things in your story.

To me the most important thing is to be understood. This is one of the places where i can really relate with other people and heling and healing. You're doing great! Take your time, don't be too hard on yourself.

You're opening up and you can be proud of that!

I'll have a cup too!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#455589 - 11/30/13 04:03 PM Re: five going on fifty two [Re: amcoffee]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
Thank you for sharing. Baby steps . . .

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#455613 - 11/30/13 08:31 PM Re: five going on fifty two [Re: amcoffee]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 827
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi am coffee,

Well, I'm 3 1/2 going on 65. All I can say is learning to stay in the present is the only way I have worked through many of my issues. Focusing on what might have been or what might be is a waste of time because I can never have any effect of my life except in the present. That doesn't mean my dreams disappear. My dreams are more powerful today than they have ever been. That is because, as CafeMan said, "baby steps." In the present, focused on MYSELF and what I need RIGHT NOW is the only way I have been able to take baby steps that DO ACCUMULATE over time. There is no right way. There is only YOUR WAY.

Sending you love,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#455689 - 12/01/13 07:41 AM Re: thirteen going on fourty [Re: amcoffee]
TheHermit Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Once again, I find myself back here, after so many years.

Just turned 39 myself, and on my way to 40, and it feels like my life has been mostly wasted, since, like you, I feel like i'm more like teen age.

I too lived with my mom all of my life. Even my (so-called) best friend thought it was funny to pick on me for that at his wedding, in front of everyone.

Years ago I moved in with my grandmother and we started a business together. I finally felt more adult-like and finally had a better-than-minimum wage income. Then my grandmother passed away and I had to move back in with my mom once again.

After about a year of depression I was finally forced to get a job. I worked there for 6 months. I was always on time. Never absent, and always tried to be a good employee and do what was asked of me, but no... just like all of my life, my boss and fellow employees had to verbally bully me and make my life miserable. I finally had enough and told him to shove the job.

Now i'm taking online classes to get a degree, but I don't really even want a career, and have so much social anxiety and terrible work history, who even knows how that will all turn out. I hate living with my mom, and will forever be made fun of and looked down on for it.

The worst part is that no one even knows the real reasons why i'm like this. (I never even told my mom or any family member because, as is typical, I shouldn't make them feel sad, I should continue to shoulder all of this burden...) They just think i'm weird or lazy or using people, or whatever. So I get all of this blame on top of it.

Anyways, I shouldn't be dumping my whole life story here, but I didn't even know exactly what "grooming" was when I read your post and had to look it up. Seems that's what one of my abusers did by playing video games with me and buying me toys.

And I wanted to suggest that maybe attending a local college, as I am, might be a good way for you to get some schooling and a better job. I take all of my classes on the internet and never even have to leave my home.


Edited by TheHermit (12/01/13 07:42 AM)

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#455818 - 12/03/13 07:53 AM Re: thirteen going on fourty [Re: amcoffee]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
I wonder though if your mother and grandmother aren't a bit thankful? I have to imagine your grandmother was thankful to have sometime with you in an era when grandchildren complain about spending time with their grandparents as some sort of duty. And there is a chance your mother is thankful she is not alone. In both your lives, amcoffee and thehermit, it sounds like your mothers were not at fault for your abuse, that they love you and that there are probably days they appreciate you are home. Consider the ways you make their lives easier - chores around the house, cooking, cleaning? It's not the life you dreamed for yourself but there are ways it is not a total loss, there are yet ways to improve and there is some good in them.

Heal well brothers.
_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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