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#451772 - 10/29/13 09:46 PM Re: Some Big Realizations (For Me) [Re: SayItRight]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1608
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: SayItRight
Here's what I'm realizing: Denial has always been a big part of things for me.......
Hey SIR,

Denial can be such a powerful force in our lives. Its supposed to be a healthy defense mechanism, but I define it as "if you don't like reality.....make something up". As a kid I learned from my parents not to believe what I see, but instead what they tell me. For example I come home from school and SEE my father drunk in his underwear at 3:30PM. But I am TOLD that he's self-employed, working from home, has an office in the basement, so don't bother him. So what does a kid believe, his eyes or the adults who are supposed to know everything? You never questioned what you were told to believe in my family. If you did, you soon regretted it.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#451934 - 10/30/13 08:38 PM Re: Some Big Realizations (For Me) [Re: SayItRight]
SayItRight Offline

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 89
Thanks for your response, here and another recent post. I have a lot to think about, in terms of denial, especially because I want to outwit denial much more effectively this time around in therapy.

What you share about your family situation is helpful and got me thinking about similar ways my family environment growing up affected me. I have a ways to go in that regard, but I notice, at least, that I'm not resisting thinking about that environment as much. That is already something of a difference.

I have found over the past few weeks that the site in general, other survivors' stories, and the sheer number of other survivors' insights in various posts and threads are as strong a weapon against denial as I've had in a long time: it's not as necessary for me to push it all away when I'm surrounded by so many other people willing to talk about so many different aspects of CSA and healing. You included.

Thank you for reaching out to me, including on this denial issue.

#452044 - 10/31/13 11:47 AM Re: Some Big Realizations (For Me) [Re: SayItRight]
Rich918 Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 45
Originally Posted By: "SayItRight"
Guys, pretty hard to believe anyone is going to believe what I'm writing. Always been a problem for me.

Whenever I write out my experiences (or any experience for that matter), I strive to be as accurate as I possibly can; which, for me, has been (erroneously) to eliminate as much emotion from it as I can without losing its message. I analyze it all to death from every possible angle which I can think to contort my mind to see it. Will others believe it? Would I believe it if I were “normal”? Hmm... maybe I could reword it with less emotion. Sanitize it for easier digestion.

When it comes time to send it off to my online therapist, I dont let my left hand know what my right hand is doing. I am looking into the prospect of a local therapist, but I'm not all that sure it would go well. Talking in person leaves no time to edit or filter out strong emotions or feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. What if I horrify her with my stories of the past? What if I repulse her by the ineptitude of even knowing how to live?

I know, I know... they are professionals, but they are also people. This is the first time I have ever sought therapy. I dont know what to expect... I dont know what is expected of me. Writing is one thing, but giving it an audible voice is quite another. I imagine it shall disintegrate into something quite incoherent, then I'll really be in for the ride of my life.

Edited by Rich918 (10/31/13 11:48 AM)

#452093 - 10/31/13 09:28 PM Re: Some Big Realizations (For Me) [Re: SayItRight]
SayItRight Offline

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 89

I hope you find a good balance; most importantly, the one that works for you, whether it be an online therapist or a local therapist, whether you decide to voice your experience, or to write it, or to write it first and read it to a therapist, or whatever route it is you decide to take toward saying it.

Writing it or saying it: I'm beginning to realize that I'm the one who's had the most difficulty believing or wanting to believe my story.

Its been very helpful for me to see those parts of it I write here; keeps me in touch with the truth of it. I appreciate you sharing the challenges you face in writing and telling your story.

Looks like we joined the site within the same few weeks. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post here.

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