Tomorrow is my 35th wedding anniversary, and the third such anniversary I have written about here on MS. Accounts of my 33rd and 34th are attached. A lot has changed. As of now we have only two (out of 10) children living at home. We have two grandchildren on the way, one of which we will probably end up raising (good-bye empty nest).
We still sleep in the same bed. And although intercourse still hasn't yet become part of our relationship, we are working on showing physical affection. We still go on weekly dates. And even though I still am working 60+ hours per week, we find time to talk, phone, text, email, and even occasionally sneak away from our jobs at noon to meet for a sandwich.
The distance between us has become smaller, and trust has become greater. Its still not perfect. I give much more than I receive from her in terms of love, compassion, and empathy. I often feel lonely. And as much as I want her unconditional love, I understand why that's still difficult for her. This is a situation that I had a big part in creating, and I have to accept that it will be a long process of rebuilding.
I still attend 2-3 weekly AA meetings, and still see a therapist, though I've cut back to every other week now. And the CSA, well its no longer my constant preoccupation. I take medications that prevent the nightmares, and others that improve my mood. I've come to understand all the ways the abuse affected me, and continue to make progress in undoing that damage. There still are moments when it all comes flooding back, without warning, and knocks the wind out of me. But those occurrences are less frequent, and my recovery from them is quicker.
No, I didn't ever grow a new set of legs (figuratively), but I'm getting damn good at walking on these prosthetic ones. In fact, sometimes I feel like a normal man. How weird is that?
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan