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#448963 - 10/02/13 06:55 AM For the First Time [Re: Chase Eric]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6500
Loc: Terminus
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
That to me is astounding. I never had that sense of perspective at twelve.


I think we all had interpolations and extrapolations of what we experienced; from the abduction-rape victim to the groomed victim of incest. I think we all thought about what was happening in some unique way.

My forecast was based upon:

-the ramifications of the knife attack, as it was life-shattering.
-my continual and ever-increasing physical and mental reaction to "it."
-my eventual desire to do it again, and again, and again...
-my need to MB and ability to hit dry orgasm LONG before I hit puberty (age 15)
-I'll never forget the boys in the kiddie-porn magazines Perp #1 had in his father's stacked collection. To me, they appeared to be begrudgingly complying. The smiles were fake, but the eyes told me they were in trouble. It was only natural to fear I was going to end up WITH them.

I knew none of what was happening was normal, but I also knew to never expect rescue.
_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#448966 - 10/02/13 08:08 AM Re: Submit control? [Re: Chase Eric]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3447
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric

That to me is astounding. I never had that sense of perspective at twelve. ... And there in that bathtub I made a pact with myself never to forget what it was to BE a kid. It seemed the adults around me all forgot.

reminds be of a song - Younger Generation - by John Sebastian - with a couple lines that say -

"Cause' I swore when I was small, that I'd remember when,
I knew what's wrong with them, that I was smaller than."

i adopted that - and though i lost many memories - l never lost that ability - and i daresay most of us CSA survivors still have the ability to feel what it was like to be 8 or 12 or whatever that age was when it happened. sometimes it is hidden or buried or denied. but it is there - like an insect in amber - preserved for the moment when we have the strength or luck or right circumstances to reveal or discover it.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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