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#449022 - 10/02/13 09:36 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hello Lucy.

First impression here. He married you. That's way beyond what I and many others in this survivor group have done or will ever do. Don't discount that. There is great value in what the two of you have already forged. I suspect you probably already know this, but sometimes it just needs to be heard, so I'm saying it.

I know nothing about your husband, so I'm just talking.

Sexual abuse has a scary way of affecting the victim in a myriad of ways which can never be predicted or guessed, they can only be discovered or uncovered and (typically) resolved after that point.

I'm just throwing this out there, so don't take this an accurate guess, but maybe your man is wired this way. Maybe, had he been allowed to grow and mature normally, he wouldn't be far off in terms of lifestyle and habits as he is now. Many men I know are perfectly happy to simply coming home to a loving wife and having little or very little outside social interaction.

That's my take after having read this single post from you. If it helps at all, I get good vibes knowing that this man's wife cares enough about him to come here.

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#449041 - 10/03/13 03:38 AM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: pufferfish]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Boys who are abused at a young age have a lot of trouble forming relationships. It is even harder if they came from a dysfunctional family. They almost need intervention. They need someone who can hold them together until they learn to trust and get along with other boys.

Puffer



What he said!

I Still don't trust other males whom I have not known for at least 20 years and that trust is fleeting. I'm more likely to trust those I've known since teen years or pre-teen, but those guys are not on-the-set.

Then there's those very, very palpable lessons we learned in betrayal, human failings, what 'male-male' friendships turn into, and our paranoia of betrayal can be fully justified. AND...we built our survival upon doing and seeing things differently. We had to.

So I dwell in the "why bother" mode...except with fellow survivors.
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#449077 - 10/03/13 07:48 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: Still]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
By the time I was in 4th grade I figured out that I had trouble making and keeping friends. While the other boys were shooting marbles on the playground I went upstairs in the school to tell my teacher, Mrs. Romig. She was busy chatting with another teacher. She told me to go out and play. I went out but I couldn't play.

Puffer

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#449105 - 10/03/13 11:53 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 293
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
sorry to hear this.
i never had friends- i struggled to get some boys to like me.
My personality kept changing year after year.
A teacher i had in grade 5 , i had her again in grade 8.
I told her during recess while i was in grade 7 " that i changed
alot!" ,,,like i was a clown; like it was a good thing.
Sometime in my grade 8 year i had someone escort me to an office
in my elementary school. When the door opened and i saw
(what was a social worker) - i sat down and i was wailing
" please dont tell anyone, please". I got up and left.
They did nothing. ( smile frown ) I started smoking/drinking at
age 12.
When i entered high school ,, i no longer was popular.
I never had friends. If you ask a few of the people who I
DID hang-out with might say different. But i needed help!
And i needed it fast!
It took me six years to graduate high-school even now ...i tell
friends "how i graduated , i dont know, they probably felt
sorry for me".
- five years later moved to the nearest large city.
I abused alot of people here.
Then i joined a group, and met my therapist who was also a member. He told me if i wouldnt take this therapy seriously, that
he couldnt pursue therapy with me.
By taking his words seriously; i learned (AND WITHOUT UNDERMINING
ALL THE SUPPORT OF MALESURVIVOR) that there was problems with
my thinking. I had psychosis and i had better look after myself
or i could end up in places i dont want to go.
It was very scary, but i took a dive into taking responsiblity
of my feelings and that i much needed and craved REALITY!
I met a lady friend of mine back in 2002- same time i started
therapy. My relationship to her has had it's ups and downs.
We are very close now. And i met a male friend of mine 4
years ago. I love him. He is adorable. But i have to be
watched by myself to not hurt him in any way. - psychologically
meaning. ( in my feelings and working out who i am , i have
to be aware that ( and from what my buddy has shared w/ me over
the span of 4 years) he needs to do /feel whatever he needs to
feel SAFE! If he doesnt want friends who push him into therapy
or "hey you can do this or that"... i had to learn to shut-up!
And keep it into my head and share it either w/ my therapist
or some other professional. I have to start being ONLY a friend
and not a therapist. This was a BBBBIG, problem i had.
Goran knows everything. Goran can go fuck himself!!!

I met another guy at a group meeting a couple months back ,,,
we get along really well.
And an old friend of mine,,that i treated like crap 12 years
ago. I was lucky to get him again in my life.
And with him i have to be extra -careful b/c he went thru allll
ottttt of shit! It is so sad, but i am not his dad and he
isnt mine. I have to step back sometimes and just listen,
support and let my friends figure themselves out!
But i do deserve a girlfriend. And i hope that philosophy
" nice guys finish last"
i want to be the best guy i could be for EVVVVERYYYONE!

But for 11 years in therapy,, i would do anything for what
my therapist taught me...and for what the International Primal
Association and Malesurvivor has done for me!

I havent had a beer in 2 1/2 years and love it!
I love people. Friends ARE AWESOME! It is sad , when you
have to ask someone to be your (MINE) friend.

Goran


Edited by Sterling (10/03/13 11:57 PM)

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#460367 - 02/09/14 04:07 AM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: newground]
96789594 Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 21
i feel the same way , close relations ships cause me nearly shake . evry one is diffrent , but for me i believe it's in one hand , my feeling of worthlessnes ,that i have nothing to offer i'm not intresting.. and on the other hand ,i have this constant anxiety associated with just the thought of socialising with frends , "afraid that they perceive me as fake and they 'll humilate me !!"(my T and i been able to trace this , wich is related to my abuse ,following my CSA i was realy afraid that ppl in the neighboor hood would find out what happen to me , i was ashamed especialy from friends) and when someone seems to show intrest in getting to know me , i wonder what they really want ...seems it couldnt possibly be me.
_________________________
The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.-Anna Quindlen-

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#460426 - 02/09/14 09:27 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I would guess that, it is more of a symptom of abuse to feel the deep desire to have friends. Most guys I know have casual acquaintances. In books I read that most people have 1 or 2 good friends in their life.

Relax and try to accept that maybe friends are few and far between for everyone,
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#461432 - 02/24/14 10:44 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
ZIGGY Offline


Registered: 02/24/14
Posts: 4
Loc: AUSTRALIA
To describe to you how I have felt all my life, since childhood abuse, up until the past few years of attending a support group:

I was the lonely starving dog, locked out in the cold blizzard of night, looking in through the window, watching everyone else talking, laughing, dining at a full table, socialising happily in the light and the warmth, while I had no right to enter and be part of this.

That is how I felt.
Because of those feelings, I personally avoided socialising and never felt comfortable in a social setting.
I socially isolated myself by making all sorts of internal excuses as to why I would not be welcome.

I genuinely felt: unwanted, rejected, unacceptable, below standard, lacked self esteem, uneducated, socially inept, thought people did not like me, cringed at anyone laughing behind my back because I worried they were laughing at me.

At Highschool: I walked around with my eyes on the ground so I did not have to make eye contact with anyone other than a few trusted friends.
I always sat at the rear of the school bus so nobody could mock me behind my back, but I still worried about anyone laughing in case they were laughing at me.

As an adult: I learnt to put on a mask and pretend to be confident, to bluff people, so they would not discover the frightened little child inside of me.
When bullied by the inevitable "office bitch" you meet in the workplace or social setting, I was unable to defend myself and would slink away.
I married men who claimed they loved me, but turned out to be abusive emotionally and physically and I did not recognise the abuse in time to get out before I was harmed.
I believed their lies that I had caused them to abuse, through looking at them the wrong way, or leaving clean folded washing on the lounge chair, or not preparing a meal at exactly 6.00 on the dot, etc..and that it was all my fault.

Now thanks to the support group I attend, and the sharing by other survivors and the caring facilitator of the group, my mask is no longer needed.

I have the feeling now, that somehow, the paddock gates have been unlocked and tossed open, and I am set free to really be me.

Family and others, who used to see me as a person who was easy to manipulate and guilt trip, have not yet fully realised the internal change in the way I speak to myself and re-affirm my right to dignity, respect, and to love myself.

To put it bluntly, now I usually dont really care or stress out, if someone doesn't like me, because I realise it is their loss.

I still have to work on the socialising bit, and try to develop friendships with like minded healthy individuals who respect me and value me for who I am.

Attending the support group has been a big help.
I have formed friendship with some of the people there, who I meet weekly at the group, and then spend lunch time with..
I still do not have anyone who visits me, and I rarely ever visit anyone else, but maybe in time I will develop a circle of friends.
I do have 4 friends who are people I reached out a helping hand to in the past, and they each have become friends for life despite living many miles away from me now.
We communicate by phone now as the distance is too great.

All my life I had not realised that I was self sabotaging myself socially.
Very few people ever got to really know "me".

To my understanding now, it is somewhat like a quote I read once.
"If I let you see the real me and it turns out you dont like me, what do I do then"? "All I have, is me".

Fear of rejection/abandonment can stifle your life, because the pain of percieved rejection/abandonment as a child, is horrific and unbearable.
Maybe this is why so many of the childhood abuse victims I meet are similarly socially isolated?

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#461456 - 02/25/14 08:54 AM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
I just did not want anyone to close to me for fear that they might find out " my secret" so people could not hurt me if they just did not know. This affected my life in every aspect. I am better now, but it has taken years of effort and therapy also a understanding wife. I now understand that I have been very lucky . HOWEVER with work and a willingness things can get better.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#461465 - 02/25/14 10:12 AM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1782
Dear Lucy

I found this thread very interesting. I believe the abuse affects us in ways we do not realize.

For me I always had friends--why I do not know and only learned to accept their true friendship after I disclosed the abuse. I was stand offish, fearful, scared they would learn of my secret. Then there were people I allowed to make me the brunt of their jokes as a child and an adult, pick on me, bully me, isolated me, but the true friends were always there to pick me up. I did not realize this-I could only see the hurtful people I needed to please. I tried to please those that hurt me with their words, actions, spit, isolation, their denials of the abuse and much more. Why, I thought I needed their love, they must have known what happened in the cellar and what they did to me is what I deserved. Those that were kind and supportive I looked at with distrust. It was convoluted thinking. The abuse really played and controlled my mind. I have learned who my true friends and family are. I have heard from friends from high school, college, work, places I have lived after they heard of the abuse--offering their hearts and words of encouragement. The disclosure I feared for a lifetime has been a catalyst for change and acceptance.

Why throughout life could I not see the true friends were the people who make the world a better place. Instead, I gave time, love and extended myself to those that have ill treated me when they needed help or support but they were not there when the abuse nearly destroyed my life--they ran to the hills and could not accept and more honestly some said the medical diagnoses of dissociative fugues and PTSD were from quacks despite these doctors and psychiatrists being highly respected in their profession. It hurts. They could not accept the abuse and denial protects them from their own truth and flaws.

I now realize I have lived a fragmented life due to the abuse--almost like two people within me, the child and me. But both are now me because I have accepted the abuse and the whole me. This acceptance has allowed me know who are true family and friends vs. fair weathered friends (who truly are not friends). I bet each victim/survivor has true friends, but due to the abuse we cannot unconditionally accept their friendship or love instead we gravitate towards those who are destructive to our lives and turn from those who truly love us. We believe destructive people are like us, flawed and damaged. In reality I have learned everyone is flawed and not perfect. Only in the end with acceptance the abuse and ourselves do we accept love and friendship.

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