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#447340 - 09/16/13 05:28 AM wanting to tell, but can't
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 171
Loc: Utah
I do not really know why, but for some reason I want to tell someone about what had happened to me as a kid aside from telling my therapist. I have never told anyhody the whole story about what happened to me for a number of reasons. And depending on who I talked to, I only gave bits and pieces, but now I want to tell the whole story. I want to get it off my chest. But I cannot tell a soul, for if I so much utter a word to anyone, then I could face severe consequences--and I am not joking either. I am so scared. I cannot even tell my therapist, however, he is aware of this and why I can't tell him or anyone.

What probably hurts most is that I cannot even post this story on this website because I am too afraid to do so. I am afraid that someone reading my story might recognize it and would know who I am. I have never posted this story on here, and I never will because I am afraid to.

I guess all I can do is ask questions.

- Why must I suffer in silence and in fear?
- How do I cope on my own with such a big secret?
- Why did I deny what happened?
- Why did I withhold other information until it was too late?
- And most of all, why could I not trust those who were trying to help me?!

TW16

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#447554 - 09/18/13 03:57 PM Re: wanting to tell, but can't [Re: TW16]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 605
Hey TW16,

You're faced with a tough dilemma and the questions you pose seem to be ones that a lot of members on here wrestle with. I do have to guess at what the details you cannot disclose are, but I understand that there are often parts of one's story that cannot be told - even on here. If I can suggest something for this particular dilemma, I find that writing stories or poetry can help get a lot of unwanted baggage off one's chest. You are free to make whatever reproaches you want to, as well as express your true feelings or events that have happened in your past, without disclosing your identity or anyone else's, as you can make up characters etc.

As for your questions, like I said before, they are tough ones to answer. My two cents on each of them:

- Suffering in silence/fear: I hate to start off my answers like this, but for this question, I really don't know. I don't know why one has to suffer, and another not. It's not fair. But what I've found over the years is that there are people out there with similar stories to you. You have to keep looking.
- Coping: my biggest advice in coping with something you cannot tell is to process it. There's a saying - I think it was Nietzsche - one can endure any how as long as one has a why. If you can label, verbalize, and correctly rationalize why things happened, and accept the irreversibility of the past, I find that it lessens the pain somewhat, though the pain will always be there.
- Denial: believing it didn't happen, or telling others nothing happened, is a common way of avoiding the true emotional onslaught of the aftereffects of abuse. In a lot of ways, it helps you function - sometimes even at a high level.
- Withholding information: you mentioned something about being 'too late'. I imagine that disclosing something on your part would've helped you or another person in dealing with a tough situation. Disclosing is tough. Information has power, and with that, it can set off a chain of events that are largely beyond your control. It would make you, to a large extent, feel powerless, anxious and fearful of someone's revenge. It may also profoundly change the relationship you have with others around you. These alone, I think, were/are powerful deterrents, and it would be harsh to beat yourself up over not telling.
- Trusting: if your abuse happened at the hands of someone you trusted, then the logical outcome of that often is that you cannot trust anyone who is in a position to 'help' you (i.e. in a position of power and authority over you).

I hope this helps somewhat.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#450486 - 10/17/13 05:49 PM Re: wanting to tell, but can't [Re: TW16]
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 171
Loc: Utah
I mentioned in previously that I am not able to talk about what had happened to me. It continues to eat at me, and I just wwish that I can tell someoene--anyone who would listen.

As I process through everything on my own, I am beginning to reailze that in a way I have NEVER been abused for two reasons. 1) I only know I was abused as a child because family members have told me, but I have no personal memory of anything happening. And 2) The experience I had as a teenager I have not--or cannot--accept as abuse as I only believe and understnad it to be something that it was not. People say that I was abused, but If I say I was abused, then it would feel like I am lying because I wouldn't be able to understand and explain why it was abuse.

TW16

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#450499 - 10/17/13 07:48 PM Re: wanting to tell, but can't [Re: TW16]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Hey TW16.

If you want to PM, I will listen.
Or, find someone you trust here.

I don't know about the event that happened when you were a teenager, so it's impossible for me to say more about that.

I will stick with Shakespeare: To your own self be true. Don't force things. Changes in perspective and life come with time. Forcing things when they're not ready seems like a great way for people to be hurt.

Just... hang in there, man.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#450506 - 10/17/13 09:55 PM Re: wanting to tell, but can't [Re: TW16]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Hi TW. I think the very fact that you're leaving this post shows that you are on your way to being able to tell someone, and perhaps someday maybe everyone about what happened. Keep in mind that you don't have to tell the entire story right away. There is something to be said for taking baby steps towards these things. There is nothing wrong with telling your story and giving out only the tiniest and vaguest details if that is all you're comfortable doing. You don't have to jump head-long into a gritty details disclosure just because others have. If you ever get to the point where you can do that, fine, but if you never do, that's fine to. Share what you are comfortable sharing. Nothing more. Either way, I hope you understand that you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault and no one here is going to hold it against you or think any less of you for it. Good luck finding the strength and courage to open up about this but, again..... baby steps. PM me if you need to. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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