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#448337 - 09/26/13 06:00 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 196
Well lets just say its hard to find anything decent.
But it doesnt matter i got this place already anyways.
It's just hard to feel like anything could ever change sometimes, i mean i will move out eventually, they might even leave me alone at some point. But this feeling is forever. The past isnever going to change. I know its just how it feels maybe it will get better but i doubt it somehow.


Edited by ModTeam (10/14/13 11:20 PM)
Edit Reason: Removed per member request, ModTeam
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#448340 - 09/26/13 06:09 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Sven,
Every time you post, I know you're alive. Still surviving. One day closer to when things will get better, (I know they will, I just don't know when that will be for you.)
So every time you post even though I'm a continent away, you help make my day.
KEEP SAFE. KEEP SURVIVING!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#448474 - 09/27/13 07:49 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1125
Loc: New York
Hey Sven,

Sorry you have to be here but as you can see you have an awful lot of people rooting for you. You're in safe hands here on MS and so many people here want to help you.

I came here like 50 years after my abuse started which continued for 9 years. I didn't have parents that abused me, they just didn't give a shit about me so I've never been in that situation where I was home when the abuse happened.

Now it is a matter of surviving until you can get out of that place. It is doable as you can see, you have done it for so long you can do it till you get out of the that place. That's when the real healing will start. Now you have a bunch of guys here that want to help you survive an awful environment and keep on helping you heal as long as you want. You are part of a brotherhood now where everyone has a story to be helped with.

There was a time where I didn't know if I would live or be found in a river. That passed and now I'm here at MS for the same reason you want to be here, to survive and heal. I have also found myself and still do where it seems "pointless and senseless to want to go on feeling like this". But you are young and have a whole life ahead of you that can be happy and worth living for. Just hang in there and stay with us here at MS, you will survive. You have a lot to offer the world so don't get stuck in the past or present just look forward to the future.

I wish I could give you all the magic in the world that would help you out of your current situation but I can't, all I and all the guys here at MS can give you is hope for the present and the future. Don't let the shit that's going on now pull you down any further, you are worthy of a better life. You will get freedom from your hell, your life will get better.

You are correct to say "that the past is never going to change", it is what it is. It took a long time for my T to make me understand that I can do nothing to change the past. It took a long time for me to admit and accept that I was a prostitute for 7 years starting when I was 12. I couldn't say that for the longest time but I can now and that will never change - I was a fucken little 12 year old prostitute. I still have to realize that the word "fucken" should not be there, but I'm not there totally yet. I do have hope that I will be there one day, I hope sooner than later.

Be well and try to be hopeful and happy. Today's shit is tomorrow's fertilizer crazy.

Feel free to PM me if you think I can help in any way. Cheers smile.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place You Visit

It will get better....

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#448576 - 09/28/13 09:47 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
Sven

I am so sorry for your pain. Having moments of blankness is common for many survivors. I read your words feeling like 12 all over. I know the feelings. I was in a situations in recent years where I was made to feel like the child in the cellar. These emotions are strong and I would find myself leaving and a part of me took over. I would have no memory of what happened after those feelings overtook. From what I have been told I sought acts of the abuse. Why I have learned that part of me was so attached to the abuse and abuser. When you said you were in the car before you knew it reminds me of what I have learned. For some strange reason some victims try to validate and control the abuse through reenactment. In you situation you remember the acts for me I do not. The key here is to heal the part of you that seeks the abuse. After hospitalizations I learned I must accept the part of me that held the positive feelings toward the abuser. It was hard because most of me hated the abuse and abuser.

What you did during reenactment is not you fault. You were looking to cope and to take away the pain. The mind is so complex only trauma experts are beginning to understand why trauma survivors seek abuse after being the victim and why we dissociate. You were a child during the abuse and that part of you has been trapped as a child.

Do not be too hard on yourself. You need to continue sharing your story, find people who truly love you for you, people who will listen and not judge. I found daily affirmation of my value and worth as well as listing what I was grateful for I began without realizing it was happening to see I was pretty good and had much to offer. It also helped me to accept the abuse as being in the past and not in the present.

Please take time to appreciate who you are.

Kevin

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#448625 - 09/28/13 07:40 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 196
How can you just 'kill' that part of yourself that makes you go back to your abuser.
When before you would have been furious if anyone described him as a pedophile or abuser.
How do you just chance something that comes naturally and automatically to you; freezing as soon as your father enters your room.
How can you live with the knowledge of what happened.. and the feelings and other consequences because of it.. for the rest of your life.. What if you can't heal and you will be forever stuck lving like this, perhaps abusefree, but not feeling much better most of the time.
I can't see myself being with a girl... even kissing freaks me out. And the idea of actively taking part in a sexual relationship freaks the hell out of me.
People say you will and you can... What if I'm right and it's not going to happen..
'm sorry.. waiting for my father to come home, i am tired though. Just like when I was younger, didn't want to go to bed then either before he was back. Nothing worse then not seeing 'it' coming.
Also saw B. again this saturday, but didnt have time for him as needed to work, so huge guilttrip, ended up giving him what he wanted in the freaking bushes. 'just 5 minutes' he said. sigh.


Edited by ModTeam (10/14/13 11:22 PM)
Edit Reason: Removed per user request, ModTeam
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#448627 - 09/28/13 07:53 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 643
Loc: michigan
sven man
change comes from YOU. it cant be about how you feel right now because it is ongoing and all that you know. There has to be moment in time when YOU realize that I am not this. I was not born to service these bastards I was born to be something! in that realization EVERYTHING changes. because you were not born to be hurt you will not allow it. because you do not belong to him you will NOT give in. because you WERE born for normal relationships you will give yourself a chance to develop them. once YOU begin to see yourself as worth the effort, and worthy of respect then there is NO more guilt to these sons of bitches who use you and tell you you are less. you have believed the lie too long but it is only YOU who can make that change. you have resources available to you and yes it is frightening. but the change can happen and it WILL if you choose it. but it has to come from you alone. you know what every man here is in your corner. and you have agencies there to help you. but the courage and determination has to come from you alone man. it is a hard truth dude... but truth none the less. I hope you can begin to listen to that voice soon, it is there I hear it and many others as well. YOU ARE WORTH SAVING.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#448630 - 09/28/13 08:33 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Um... 'cause I don't know a better word.
AMEN. What Newground said.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

Top
#448648 - 09/29/13 12:21 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1125
Loc: New York
Hey Sven,

All I can say is that newground said it best.

Please, please, please don't give up hope, you are worth all the gold in the world and nothing less. You are not worthless.

You have survived till now and there is alway hope for a better life especially after the abuse stops. We will help in any way possible to see you through this. Just don't give up hope, you will survive and have a life, please convince yourself of that and never give up hope.

You will survive

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place You Visit

It will get better....

Top
#449688 - 10/09/13 05:06 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 196
So I broke my wrist yesterday. It didn't hurt that much at first though it got stiff swollen later and kept me up for a good part of last night. Teacher drove me to the hospital today and now i got a nice new cast... Back next week for new cast...
Made me think..

There is so damned much to say
And to lie about even more
So much crap to reveal
Even though the digging hurts so much
I'm an @sshole but I learn

An ocean to flee away to
Never having to be jealous
Love to relief your heart
An ocean how nice would that be

http://youtu.be/wrBLriMrAkY

Bear with me i know my translation isn't perfect. And only a piece of it. I like the dutch version better though..
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#450063 - 10/13/13 03:39 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
ModTeam Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 689
It appears this topic has reached the end of it's course. Using the discussion board to explore situations, thoughts and emotions is beneficial and healthy, until such time that the discussion becomes contrary to the goals and purposes of MaleSurvivor. This topic has been discussed and for the purposes of recovery has been thoroughly answered. Site management continually strives to provide an environment safe for the purpose of pursuing ones recovery from the effects of past sexual abuse. Please do not attempt to repost this topic, as doing so may be cause for further action by site management.

Your cooperation on this matter is appreciated.

Regards

The Moderators
_________________________
Private messages sent to this account are checked irregularly due to personnel and time constraints. Please send messages to one of the moderators for the forum that is concerned by user name, or if there is no named moderator, send a PM to any moderator.

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