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#445118 - 08/22/13 02:51 PM Transition pressure *triggers*
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Um. The reason I signed up today is because I'm at one of those low points that follows a high.

Went back to college and got my degree. Got my internship. I've self-published my books, including the trilogy I deliberately wrote to talk about surviving the problems I had from abuse as an adolescent. I really ought to be bright and eager.

But I feel hollowed out, not victorious. I'm so sure that the year's of working full time to pay for full time school, going without sleep, etc, are just going to mean nothing. There's no way someone as damaged as me could ever succeed in life.

It's crap, right? I mean, I know it's crap, an old would flaring up like malaria of the soul. But i still feel it.

And the old patterns I learned, to retreat into compulsive masturbation, pornography (which would just be betraying who I want to be as a religious man), even fantasized about acting out, though I've decided to be celibate. 'Cause my brain's learned that when I'm servicing someone, at least then I'm wanted.

Total. Total crap.

And part of me wants it all anyway, because I remember tuning out, going away. Not having to feel on sexual autopilot.

I tell myself it's dumb to hate myself for wounds others inflicted. Not to own their imprints, their bloody footprints in my sexuality. If they hit me with a bat I wouldn't hate my arm for breaking. Well they broke my sex not my arm, exactly what they wanted to do. I don't have to own it.

But sometimes I do, when I'm under pressure. Part of me wishes someone else would just take control. Rather be used than useless? How fucked up is that!

I'm going to stop talking now, before all my guts spill out on total strangers.

I'm safe. I'm going to be ok. It's just a flare-up of old wounds. I've gutted them out before. and every time I make it through days/weeks/the odd month like this, it's one more day/week/good God has it been a month?! That I'm who I decide, not who they made me.

And so at the other side of this, I'll still be a survivor.


Edited by Onesimus75 (08/22/13 02:51 PM)
Edit Reason: stoopid typos
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#445123 - 08/22/13 03:55 PM Re: Transition pressure *triggers* [Re: Onesimus75]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 264
Loc: PA
Onesimus75,

I think we all have bad days/weeks/months and we all seem to continually find new ways that the abuse has effected us as we get older. Just when you think you are doing OK, BOOM another problem/memory/effect pops up.

I'm under a lot of stress at the moment - I work for a school, my wife is a teacher and my 4 kids are going back to school. This is the week before we all start school. I hate this week. I find myself wanting to withdraw and not feel anything which means I will feel alone and I really don't ever want to feel that way again. I think it's natural to revert back to all the other methods for surviving stressful situations. They got us to where we are today - still alive. Maybe with the stress lowers you will not feel like you need to use all the defense mechanisms. In the meantime appreciate them for what they have done for you in the past and work on finding new ones for today.

One thing that helps me is to not be upset by all the negative feelings. Just experience them and see if they are trying to tell you something. Maybe you will be able to see them in a different light and make more sense out of where they are coming from and find news ways to deal with them.

Probably not very good advice, but...maybe someone else will have better advice.

Welcome again and hope you find what you need.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445127 - 08/22/13 04:08 PM Re: Transition pressure *triggers* [Re: Onesimus75]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Well, I'm glad for one that you decided not to withdraw. I would have missed out on some much needed encouragement.

For now the plan is to take care of my HHALTS and get some sleep.
(Things seem to go worse when:
Hungry
Horny
Angry
Lonely
Tired
or
Scared)
Lots of times it helps me to just make sure the list is taken care of. Get some food. Take a nap. Then I've got more resources to handle the rest.

It's not super complicated, and a pseudo-intellectual like myself ought to maybe expect something more profound. But taking care of the flesh-and-bone survival stuff sure seems to help.
Thanks again for the kind words.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#445304 - 08/24/13 12:03 AM Re: Transition pressure *triggers* [Re: Onesimus75]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 264
Loc: PA
Thanks. Doing better.

HHALTS - nice, I like that one.

Hope you are doing better.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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