I haven't been on here for almost 3 months. Been thinking about my childhood, and all that's happened. Trying to make some type of sense of it all. I've felt every emotion thru it, from the most intense anger to , almost some happiness. I've tried to look for that sob, but haven't found him yet. Don't really know if I can confront him in person, but will thru the net.I want him to know what the hell he did to me, and what I've been thru, and what I will always be going thru, for the rest of my life. I don't just feel anger, I "Hate" him, and all he represents. My "mother", the one that berated me from 12-till I left for the service, I have no love for. My father, who chose my brother over me, nothing there either. Neither are alive anymore. I would like for them to be just for a few minutes, so I could yell at both of my alcoholic "parent's" what all the good it did to make me feel like an unwanted child. All of my so-called-family, doesn't even acknowlege my existance. It hurts so deeply inside. Sometimes so overwhelming. My father/mother/brother/bullies in school/sob in my neighbor hood, makes for a shitty life since 5 years old, and not 1 of them could stop and see what was happening, nor did they care. I came so close to taking my own life at 16, but didn't. I don't know what stopped me other than thinking that it can't be so bad, that I have to die to get any love from some one. Yes, I suffer from depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I'm almost getting to the point of cutting everyone out of my life that I meant nothing to. I hate the way I feel, and it's most of the time. I totally dislike having to put on this happy face around people, so they can't see the real me. I'm still terrified they'll find out, and not like me anymore.