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#444860 - 08/20/13 09:28 PM Practice **Triggers Possible**
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Another drip from the damn I held up for 25 years. John, the rapist frequently reassured me that what we were doing, what he did to me, was practice for when we had girlfriends.

Exactly how does sucking a dick prepare one for the ladies?

I'm stunned and disgusted by this memory - which is really a collection of memories.
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#444869 - 08/20/13 09:51 PM Re: Practice **Triggers Possible** [Re: mattheal]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Matt- I can hear the pain in your words. Don't be disgusted by the memory of what happened. It's okay to feel the pain and the betrayal, but try hard not to move into feeling disgusted at what you- the boy- did or had happened. I have spent so much time and so many years with these feelings of self- disgust and still struggle with it. What I am working on now in therapy is shifting that emotional energy into feeling the pain of knowing that I was abused. Feeling the pain needed for mourning what was taken away. In other words, beginning to embrace the boy who was raped and loving him enough to say, "I understand."

Acknowledge it as one of the ploys used to groom you for the act because that what it was. Words used to confuse you, mold you, get you to take part in the sex. Of course now you know it wasn't preparing you for the girlfriends, but you were just a boy then. We - me included- always forget we were just boys.

Thinking of you, guy, and keep processing and sharing.

bill
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#444896 - 08/21/13 12:59 AM Re: Practice **Triggers Possible** [Re: mattheal]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3357
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Matt - I was told I was getting "educated"!!!
But what we learned was something nobody needs to know.
it is his lies and actions that were disgusting - NOT YOU!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#444928 - 08/21/13 12:06 PM Re: Practice **Triggers Possible** [Re: mattheal]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
Hey Matt,

I think it is a good sign if these memories are making you angry. That is the right response to have. I have had a lot of recent memories of the grooming scenarios that my coach put me through, also. I bought it completely, responding to the intense focus and affection from an adult male that I was lacking in my life.

These memories are painful and bring up a host of negative feelings. If you can, try to make sure the disgust is pointed straight at the perpetrator, not the boy or person within. You have suffered enough at his hands. Don't help him do it all over again years later.

For me, finding out what was missing in my life at the time of the abuse helped me make a lot of sense about why I was so responsive to the grooming. And helped me to take the responsibility off that little boy's shoulders. Exploring that might help take the edge of some of these grooming memories.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#445044 - 08/22/13 12:03 AM Re: Practice **Triggers Possible** [Re: mattheal]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1509
Loc: New England
I agree with Todd. You have to face these memories and feel ALL these feelings. The pain, the anger, the fear, and the shame. You have to express the feelings, and you have to move through them to get to the otherside. I found thats the only thing that will work for me.
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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#445091 - 08/22/13 10:42 AM Re: Practice **Triggers Possible** [Re: toddop]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
Originally Posted By: toddop

For me, finding out what was missing in my life at the time of the abuse helped me make a lot of sense about why I was so responsive to the grooming. And helped me to take the responsibility off that little boy's shoulders. Exploring that might help take the edge of some of these grooming memories.


Todd - so well said. Me too. The issues that brought me to the point of being groomed seem to be as hard to deal with as the abuse itself sometimes. When you think nothing of yourself you are willing to do anything for someone to show you some kind of attention.

I had a memory that helped me direct my anger away from me (the boy) to my abuser that came to me in therapy. My step would sneak upstairs and try to catch me MB. I had no idea what he was up to then, but now it's so obvious. He was looking for just the right moment to use the "education" card and it work very well for him.

The boy you were then did the best he could and he did so well that you survived the experience and are now able to work on healing. He was awesome.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445095 - 08/22/13 11:17 AM Re: Practice **Triggers Possible** [Re: mattheal]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 81
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
When I think back to the circumstances of my abuse, I can't believe the insolence my abuser had in picking me when I was a nine year old boy. He was a male teacher (religious brother) in a Catholic school. He must have sensed that I was a very obedient kid, taught to totally trust figures of authority, specially of religious authority.

And why not trust them? My dad and his six brothers had gone to the same Catholic school. It was a family tradition. And, two sisters of my Dad are nuns. One of them is my godmother in baptism. They are the most loving, selfless, dedicated women I have ever known. My godmother, specially, gave me so much love, and instilled in me, since childhood, a very high sense of self worth, and that she was very proud of me for being me-unconditionally. With this family background, why would a nine year old boy doubt his teacher when he tells him to stay in class after school?

And after the sexual molestation, how would that nine year old boy even contemplate telling his family about what happened, specially if he was totally confused, and didn't know what to make of the experience?

As an adult I now see that the csa was a massive betrayal of trust on the part of my abuser. Of the trust my family had placed in the school that their children would be safe there, of the trust I as a child had placed on my teachers and that I would be safe with them. No wonder those memories remained buried in my brain for fifty seven years!!!!

My godmother (a nun) died earlier this year at the age of 92. She had suffered a massive stroke a few months back. I sat alone with her in her hospital room for a whole day, remembering all of the love she gave me throughout her life. Remembering the many times she made me feel her joy for whom I had become.

What a contrast of good and evil!
_________________________
Jay

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#445096 - 08/22/13 11:32 AM Re: Practice **Triggers Possible** [Re: mattheal]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:53 PM)

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#445106 - 08/22/13 12:36 PM Re: Practice **Triggers Possible** [Re: mattheal]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Thank you for posting your insights and perspectives. I am so grateful for the men in this community.

All my best,
Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#445175 - 08/22/13 09:54 PM Re: Practice **Triggers Possible** [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Ht Matt. The only thing that disgusts me is the level of manipulation and the egregiousness of the lies some perps, (like yours), will use to try to trick their victims into compliance. Using lies like the "practice" lie to normalize the abuse in their victims mind, while out of the other side of their mouth telling their victim that everything they are doing is a big, terrible secret. I hope any disgust you feel with these memories is directed only and squarely at John. Any other disgust you feel over them I hope you are able to let go of someday because that disgust would be misplaced. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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