I have often asked the same questions.
One answer that is both devastating and liberating is -
I was not special in any way.
I was only available and vulnerable.
it could have been anyone.
It was not because I did or didn't do anything.
just the wrong place at the wrong time.
and I did nothing to cause or contribute to what happened.
I am off the hook.
Hope you can do the same for yourself.
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"