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#448735 - 09/30/13 12:09 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
This is very triggering Sven, I'm sorry that such memories are hunting you.
_________________________
My story

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#448752 - 09/30/13 04:07 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Sven,
Just... Keep surviving. Can't imagine how rough that must have been. I'm constantly amazed by your strength to endure. Hang in there.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#448754 - 09/30/13 04:31 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
People say to be honest on here.

That story sounds so horrific it should be a bad book or something. I can relate to the nauseated part. Me too.

Any kid involved needs lots of love. Love seems to be able to be the miracle that makes the other things work.

I hope you find peace. I hear we have to be our own best friend. I can't imagine the place your head and heart would be to write that.

I can pray for you though.

((((Sven))))
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448896 - 10/01/13 02:16 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 304
.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#448919 - 10/01/13 07:05 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
If it helps, do your best at work.
Save money. Earn a good reputation.
Excellent tools to be independent in the future.
Get you to some safety! Use it as a tool to get what you deserve: freedom, no more abuse, etc.
Until then... keep surviving! Thanks for posting and letting us know how you're doing.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#448920 - 10/01/13 07:17 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: Sven
I'm sorry i just needed to get it out i guess.. Idk it had been going around and around in my mind. It's a little better now.
Though I didnt feel comfortable with all that out here so i deleted some stuff.
It's gonna be busy at work this week, i hope i can keep my shit together.


No need to be sorry my friend. I'm glad you got relief from exhaling the pain. It's seems to be the place.

I hope you are able to get to a better place.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#449823 - 10/11/13 07:49 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Sven: I have read all posts in this thread. Don't be so hard on yourself. I can tell you I have been in similar positions, complied in all kinds of abuse, been taped too. It is not as easy as just saying no or just not going back. Don't underestimate the power of the guilt and the possibilities of manipulation through guilt. Especially if there is love in the picture. I have so many memories of trying to resist and then the perp would act totally hurt like I was mean all for no reason and I would end up crying and begging to be abused, feeling I deserved it, and then after the perp would say I wanted it and well, I did in a way so... This kind of manipulation is deeply damaging and still in my 30s I fall for it. So don't judge yourself.

Also, it seems you end up in a catch 22, feeling guilty when saying no and then feeling guilty after accepting abuse. There is really no way for you to not be guilty in this, right? Which is a very effective means of manipulation. Guilt can be so hard to bear, sometimes the physical pain is easier.

But having said that, please take the chance to to leave when you can. Remember the guilt you feel is not for real, you are not guilty! It is just a very difficult feeling to handle, but it is possible to deal with it and it can go away (or so I've heard...)

I also want to say that I admire you'r courage in calling that hotline, trying to help the little kids. Since I'm actually a socialworker in another european country I can tell you that at least here, you can not report anonymously if the social services get your identity. If they know who you are they have to tell the people being reported. You can avoid giving them your identity and just tell the report, then they are obliged to investigate at least a little bit. They do not get back to you about how it goes because there is secrecy and you don't have any right to now (wich is frustrating of course). Problem is it takes a lot to remove children from parents and often parents can just lie and there is no way to get any proof. So I hope something happens that saves the kids but if nothing happens remember it is not your fault, there is probably nothing you can do and you did what you could.

Please take care of yourself. And do share, maybe it will help you sort out the guilt.

/B C

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#449975 - 10/12/13 07:51 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 304
.

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