Newest Members
DT, kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS
12257 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
ByondClosedDoors (41), Dave1425 (32), DeafDavid (23), LowSky (57)
Who's Online
3 registered (Obi, Austintexan, 1 invisible), 17 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12257 Members
73 Forums
63122 Topics
441411 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#443102 - 08/02/13 10:37 PM The healthiest way to say ...
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
I freaked out last week. There is no other way to describe it. I had the realization that a lot of my thought, feelings, and behaviors are simply the reaction to the neglect and abuse I endured as a child. How can I trust my own thoughts and feelings when I have so many examples of how flawed they are. Shakey ground indeed.

Having had the time to calm down and reflect, I have tried to look at the flip side of my freak out. I was abandoned by my father, neglected by my mother, and sexually abused as a boy. But none of them could steal what is inherently me -

1. My tenacious drive
2. My love for others, especially the underdog
3. My own personal morals
4. My love of reading, learning, and music
5. My sense of humor - sarcastic and absurd
6. My sometimes waivering hope

I am working on finally fixing my issues because I deserve it, and my wife and son deserve the best man I can be. But there is a small part of me that wants recovery and continued success in life because it's the healthiest way I can say FUCK YOU to the people who stole so much from me.

What couldn't they take from you?
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

Top
#443142 - 08/03/13 01:12 PM Re: The healthiest way to say ... [Re: mattheal]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 181
You know, that is pretty much exactly what I'd have on my list. In exactly the same order too. Teachers would disagree with number 4 though. It was just unfortunate for them that I didn't want to learn anything they were trying to teach me. I think the only thing I could add is that I always knew what was happening to me was really really wrong. I just couldn't figure out how to stop it. I know some people were tricked into thinking their abuse was ok or normal by their abusers, but for me, even though they tried to convince me it was fine, I always knew they were lying. I think it helped me massively to always have a sense of outrage about it. All those things together, they are the reason I am ok and will always be ok. Even when I seem not ok, I really am ok. Thanks for posting this. I think this is a really REALLY important topic. I have to go out right now, but I'll add some more later.

Top
#443161 - 08/03/13 04:36 PM Re: The healthiest way to say ... [Re: mattheal]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3302
Loc: back in the USA
Good thread, Matt. keep on rebuilding - just like you are doing.

What they couldn't take from me:

• The determination to cling to hope that someday things would be better
• An appreciation for beauty in nature, in man-made articles, and in humans
• The ability to lose myself in art or literature or drama as an escape and transcending tactic
• The impractical, risky presumption to cut ties, launch into the unknown, and make it on my own
• The stubbornness to succeed at something – even if my original dreams and goals were stunted and diverted by the trauma
• The audaciousness to try to have a normal relationship and family – as well as an enduring marriage and fulfilling fatherhood
• The intelligence to read and research and figure out a lot of the garbage of my past on my own
• An outrageously contradictory belief in God’s love despite all apparent evidence to the contrary
• A passionate advocacy of underdogs, the oppressed, persecuted, and victims of injustice
• A consciousness of the core of my own identity – underneath all the overlays of lies, projections and labels

lee


Edited by traveler (08/03/13 04:38 PM)
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.