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#442742 - 07/31/13 09:46 AM I am Dating a Survivor...help me understand him
ofig1334 Offline


Registered: 06/23/13
Posts: 3
So its been almost a year since i met this really great guy who I will call K. K is a really great guy. He started off trying to date girls like most normal guys. He soon realized he was sexually attracted to guys. He considers himself gay now. I have managed to get him to open up about his abuse. We met up for a late night dinner at a 24hr restaurant. I start talking about stuff that happened at work and sexual abuse(I work in Law Enforcement). He looked over at me and said he had been abused. I didnt know it then but I had open doors to something that I feel he didnt really wanna talk about but trusted me enough to. He started to tell me about how is Grandmother's brother had sexually abused him when he was younger and how he never really told anyone until late in life and when he told them they didnt really believe him. After he told me about his abuse he went a long while without talking to me as if he felt I was ashamed of it felt bad for it. I understand his abuse, even though I was never abused myself I went through alot growing up as a child. I came from a separated home and a pretty ruff up bring, I dont know how I made it into Law Enforcement. LOL. He comes from a well off type of family that tries to make everything seem as if it is perfect when it is not. For example his Bother had a baby when he was young so K's mom and dad adopted the kid as there and raised it not wanting anyone to know that there K's brother had fathered a child. I have only known K for almost a year. In that year him and I have long periods of not talking and in the last few months have become closer. He has surgery done and I was by his side trough everything and have tried to be there as much as possible for him. I just dont know what is going on in his head. I have asked him about a relationship and he tells me that is not what he wants now. As a friend I respect his wishes. I just dont know how to take things sometimes. He is gay and very masculine but his immediate family is aware of it. His mom and dad dont care to have anything to do with him because of it. We currently both live in my home town which is not a very big town in Texas and I am not out to anyone. I wonder sometimes if that bothers him at all. I Know he is on this site and I am not sure if he will see this, I am pretty sure if he sees it he will know right away I wrote it and I hope he isnt mad. I just need someone to answer all these questions. I am mainly straight and have experimented with a few guys. However this guy really gets me. I have never met anyone like him. He is so closed off, yet so caring about others. That alone makes me like him a little more each day. I will appreciate any advice anyone can give, any question feel free to inbox. or comment.


Edited by ofig1334 (08/01/13 01:43 AM)

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#443240 - 08/04/13 03:07 PM Re: I am Dating a Survivor...help me understand him [Re: ofig1334]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello ofig,

Welcome to MaleSurvivor. Trying to understand a survivor and be in a relationship with one of us is truly a task. I encourage you to keep asking, keep seeking understanding for yourself in the role you wish to have as well as how he is experiencing life. "Evicting the Perpetrator" by our own Ken Singer is a good book for the survivor, "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew is another good resource.

Be friends with him, encourage and support him as you can. Be careful not to overreach yourself, you may become discouraged o even overwhelmed. Consider joining support groups like CODA to have a physical link to this part of a relationship you wish to undertake.

Peace and comfort to you, thank you for reaching out to survivor,
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#443462 - 08/06/13 01:00 AM Re: I am Dating a Survivor...help me understand him [Re: SamV]
ofig1334 Offline


Registered: 06/23/13
Posts: 3
Thanks Sam,
This really helps a lot after the day I have had.

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