Thank you so much for opening your journal and sharing your processing around this trip. I really got a lot about your progression and the way the trip impacted you.
When I returned this time, I saw the buildings for the first time with grown-up eyes. It wasn’t just my physical height that had changed – but my mental/emotional/psychological/spiritual stature and maturity that had increased. The last time I was there – several years ago - I was an adult – who was still looking at the world and perceiving events through the eyes of a child. But I did not realize it. I had denied and separated myself from any awareness of my younger self. He was there but I was refusing to acknowledge him. He still had a strong influence over me, though I was resisting and rejecting and trying to ignore him. And I would not let myself look at the places or feel the emotions that I “knew” were there. I strenuously avoided it all because it was too scary and painful.
Now, having made peace with little lee, his control over me is not as pronounced. It is as though all he wanted was to win my understanding and acceptance. When I looked at those photos of him and loved him for who he was, he gained that respect and affection from me. Now I am the one in charge – and I think he is happy to have me take over – while bringing him along as a trusted friend and advisor. It reminds me of the line at the end of Peter Corbett’s posts: ‘“ I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness into the sunshine, forever into eternity.” As he is me.’ (Thanks for that, Irishmoose – I never got it before.) little lee was right – what happened there was important – to him as a boy – and to BIG LEE as a man. It changed him irrevocably and was one of the ingredients in making ME who I am today. However, there was a vast division between the two of us. Now that is being mended. I didn’t recognize it during the past couple of years, but in the process of building a road forward, I have also been unconsciously repairing the path that leads back to him/(me). Making the stops on this trip has been very instrumental in constructing a bridge between us.
These two paragraphs really affected me. They actually brought me to tears, which I have had a hard time reaching lately. They resonate with me and where I am at. I feel like I am at that place where I am beginning to move beyond ignoring the things little Todd has always been trying to tell me. Just recently, I have been focusing on letting his feelings and emotions surface, despite how overwhelming they feel. Their power makes sense since he was in very overwhelming situations.
It is invaluable for me to see how it can progress beyond what I am currently experiencing. I want to work with him, not just respond to him constantly or have him just erupt with emotions that I cannot process or am not in a situation that I can handle them. This very poignant description gives me a much needed end goal to keep in my sights and work toward.