A man gets drunk in a bar the throws up on himself. He tells the bartender, "Oh shit! My wife is going to fucking kill me! She just demanded that I stop going out and getting drunk the other day and there is no way I can hide this from her."
The bartender tells the man, "Look, here is what you do. Put a five dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when your wife sees the vomit on your shirt, tell her to check the pocket for the five. Then tell her that a man on the train accidentally puked on your shirt, then apologized and gave you a five dollar bill to pay to have it cleaned."
The drunk man tells the bartender he thinks it's an excellent idea and decides to implement it when he gets home.
The next day, the man from the bar is sober and at home. When his wife finds the shirt with the vomit on it, she immediately accuses him of having been drunk and demands to know what happened. The man tells his wife, "Look honey, a man on the train accidentally puked on my shirt, then apologized and gave me a five dollar bill to pay to have it cleaned. Check the shirt pocket. See? There is a five dollar bill in there."
The man's wife checks his shirt pocket and, looking puzzled, says, "Wait, but there are two
five dollar bills in here."
The man replies, "Oh yeah, he also shit in my pants."