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#441218 - 07/17/13 10:35 PM might help
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i just wrote this - to/for my wife - haven't had the nerve to show it to her yet. i know it is not reasonable and is contradictory - but it makes perfect sense to me. thought it might help others get it a little better.

I donít want to talk about it;
it feels intrusive to answer questions.
I donít want your commiserating pity;
it feels too condescending.
I donít want reassuring hugs:
they feel constrictive and confining.
I donít want you to protect me:
it makes me feel weak and pathetic.
I donít want conciliatory agreement;
it feels like you are humouring me.
I donít want your words of sympathy;
they sound fake and belittling.
I donít want you to be understanding;
there is no way you could ever know.

But there was once a little boy
who wanted all those things above.
He didnít ever get them, though
and now he always feels that hunger:
to be kept safe, to be fixed, to be held,
for someone to know and understand
and intervene and make it all right.

I know that he still needs it all
but his needs and my wants
are working at cross purposes.

I think Iíd like a little rage;
maybe he would too.

lee
07 Ė 16 Ė 13
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#441384 - 07/19/13 04:10 PM Re: might help [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
do any of you friends, relatives, partners or wives of survivors see what i was trying to say here?

i read it to my wife - with some disclaimers beforehand - that i was not intending it to be an accusation against her - and it did not go at all like i hoped - more like i feared.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#441414 - 07/19/13 08:35 PM Re: might help [Re: traveler]
foreverloved Offline


Registered: 02/16/13
Posts: 12
Loc:
I see what you are trying to say. These are the same things my H says to me and from what ive read. Unfortunatly i still wish i could understand and the hardest thing i struggle with is how to be there for him. Its hard for me to except things when i just think i can make it all go away but i csnt.But im trying to learn and reading your poem actually makes me feel better it reminds me what he wishes but now is not the time. Its informational of things i shouldnt do and a sense of how he feels by what you are going through as well by my actions of doing the same things and i thank you. I hope she will realize what was ment by it its just hard to except information like that when you think your doing the right things but we tend to make it worse sometimes. I hope i understood the poem right smile i kinda failed english smile stay strong smile

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#441700 - 07/22/13 04:23 AM Re: might help [Re: traveler]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 611
Loc: where the shadows lie
About seven months ago I started talking about this stuff with my wife. It took a long time before she didn't feel like I was accusing her of being awful for me. Now she understands a description of my feelings isnt an idictment of her. But it took quite a while to get there.
_________________________


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#442135 - 07/25/13 01:08 PM Re: might help [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
we are doing better now - have continued to talk through this. i can now tell her when i need to be in control and limit my vulnerability - be big lee. or when i need more empathy, comfort, want her to take over more - be little lee. seems to be working better so far. the key is for me to recognize what i need and let her know. she made a valid point too - that she also has needs - and sometimes i need to consider that and meet somewhere other than on my terms. it takes adjustments on both our parts. both trying hard.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top


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