I agree with Ken. You are not a freak. I mean, if you asked for a show of hands of who feels shame about the abuse, who struggles with remembering details, who was abused by their mothers, who initiated sexual contact with their abusers, whatever else you struggle with or worry about - you would see a sea of hands here. Someone relates. It is sad sometimes, but sometimes comforting. You are not alone in your pain or in your struggle. Not here.
Everything you want is on the other side of fear.