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#440714 - 07/12/13 09:50 AM Advice on emotional abuse
Elle5 Offline


Registered: 07/05/13
Posts: 4
Sorry for posting again so soon but everything seems to be happening all at once. I love my husband so much but when he is in a state he attacks my love for him. I understand that it's normal for him to push me away, but how do I continue to handle the times he says our marriage is over or failing and that I am a joke etc. He gets very mean and then the next day he is back to normal and says he didnt mean any of it, but all the hurtful words are stuck in my head. He makes me feel so small. I am not leaving him and i just keep repeating calmly that I do love him and support him always. He just gets meaner. Any advice? Oh and i am in therapy. Thanks everyone.

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#440730 - 07/12/13 03:26 PM Re: Advice on emotional abuse [Re: Elle5]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I think you need to be able to spot the abuse early and then cut it off. Not participate. Even if you have to leave. Tell him that your marriage is not falling apart. That it is fine. Tell him that you will talk to him when he is himself again. You must not tolerate the abuse.

Also talk to him (when he is normal) and ask what triggers the start of his though patterns when he gets like this.

Is he in therapy? It sounds like he should be. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy seems to be a good choice for this kind of problem.

But what does your therapist say? I am in no way an expert in this. For the last six months I have been trying to help a friend with her abuse problems but they are pretty extreme.

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#440772 - 07/13/13 10:08 AM Re: Advice on emotional abuse [Re: Elle5]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I have a friend who repeats this to me:

To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

That said, to me, your husband sounds as though he has two different opinions of you. Maybe he has some different moods that feel very differently about you.
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Female.

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#440793 - 07/13/13 05:45 PM Re: Advice on emotional abuse [Re: Elle5]
Elle5 Offline


Registered: 07/05/13
Posts: 4
The therapist seems to think this may be a case of DID as he doesn't remember anything afterwards and because his speech sometimes changes when he is in this state. I'm fairly confident about how he feels about me, I just want help on how to help him without feeling I need to compromise myself. I appreciate all the support...wondering if anyone can commiserate

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#442978 - 08/01/13 11:53 PM Re: Advice on emotional abuse [Re: Elle5]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Okay, yes, my friend's like this. He has different speech patterns, VERY DIFFERENT, different likes, different interests, different goals, depending on his mood. And his different moods, until the last couple of years, didn't even like each other!

They had different people they wanted to be around.

Just a pain all the way around. Although, I do like both of them very much. Well, actually there's 3, sooooo.

My friend has co-consciouness, but his main mood is "horrified" by his child moods - or was- and would pretend they didn't exist and get snooty about talking with me. He was too good for me.

D.
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Female.

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#442979 - 08/01/13 11:56 PM Re: Advice on emotional abuse [Re: Elle5]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Also, this post by Sam V was really GREAT. It describes it very well.

You are not a fool dear supporter, please understand that. You fell in love with a partner who was terribly damaged, one who fell in love with you, but the fragments of his broken personality could not consistently commit to this healthy union. That inconsistency is discouraging, frustrating, destabilizing and destructive. That is a glimpse into a chaotic and tumultuous, fractured process.

Supporters are the unwitting victims of male sexual abuse, the collateral damage of the unsure life choices survivors make as we try to converse, interact and have relationships with those who are not abused or those who have healed from abuse. We struggle with who we are at the moment as we have strong personality conflicts inside us with the Protector, the Victim, the Fighter, the Lover, the Child. These find themselves thrust into our adult lives, not having the smooth transition maturity and healing recovery afford, one demands control of us and then another muscles it's way to the controls. The Protector finds a mate, the Child appears vulnerable, the Fighter shows boundaries and assertiveness, the Victim runs away. Until healthy recovery helps us to converge these violent, chaotic pieces of our personality, we are impulsive, terrified, bulletproof and destroyed.

The comfort and support we find in relationships is so refreshing, but we question the comfort as we try to navigate the nuances of living with and supporting another.

Dear supporter, my sincere appreciation for supporting a fellow survivor. I hope you find the trusting relationship you seek, you are so worth it.

My best to you,
Sam
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Female.

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#442980 - 08/02/13 12:00 AM Re: Advice on emotional abuse [Re: Elle5]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Also, I found this video a VIVID explanation.

It woke me up.

http://youtu.be/0tITzDjPf4g
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Female.

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#443164 - 08/03/13 05:22 PM Re: Advice on emotional abuse [Re: Elle5]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 243
Loc: us
I agree with the above advice. Do not participate in the abuse. I don't know what is going on with your H. But to me it sounds like when he is falling apart inside he projects it onto you and your relationship. However that doesn't make it any less painful for you. When he gets like that I agree that you shouldn't engage him. My H has had a similar projection issue although not as extreme as what you are describing. Sometimes I have to remind H that I'm not the one who hurt him. I doubt your H thinks you are a joke. My H admitted once that he knows he is mean and hurtful at times and that it is because it is easy to lash out and tear others down instead of looking inward at himself. He knows it is wrong and hates that he hurts others. This is not an excuse but did help me not take some of his behavior personally. Hopefully your H will get this behavior under control as it is so destructive to both of you.
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Everything comes from within

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