welcome to MS you will find a lot of resources here to aid in your journey. take your time look around and avail yourself of them and maybe find some time to spend in the chat room. we were wounded in secrecy but we heal in community. I hope you will find that community here. in the mean time remember to breathe and be kind to yourself remember it was not your fault
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"