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#441953 - 07/23/13 10:41 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1137
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: txb

10 minutes ago I gave the whole incident I wrote out to my dad to read. Iím kind of panic attacking about it now. I really should have edited it or just gave him the relevant page. But itís really important. Itís part of me un-guilting myself. It would take too long to explain, but basically I feel guilty about him feeling guilty about something he shouldnít feel guilty about. If that makes any sense. So I need him to read this thing. (I'm probably going to fake I'm asleep now). But my list of people I need to explain things to to get rid of some pointless guilt is getting smaller. I suppose that is progress too.


HI TXB. I don't blame you for acting like you're asleep after giving your dad that to read. Sounds like something I'd do. Although, you will have to see him eventually after this, which I'm sure will be ok, albeit maybe a little awkward and uncomfortable at first. Either way, I think it's a good thing you were able to give him what you gave him to read and it certainly sounds like progress to me. In fact, I think you've made a decent amount of progress even in the few months since I've gotten to know you.

As for going to the theme park with your dad's friend, you never know, you may have a good time. I know you were partly dreading going on vacation with your family and that wound up being pretty cool. Maybe this will be just like that. Although maybe if you're really dreading going and just genuinely don't want to, you could suggest something else for you and him to do together. Maybe there is a way you could avoid hurting the dude's feelings but still get out of going. Either way, let us know how it goes. Talk atcha laters. Peace,

Ken

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#442458 - 07/28/13 09:41 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
This is a wonderful example of progress concerning both your dad and his friend. You've really been putting the work into your healing and it looks like you are already starting to gain strength from it. I am so happy for you. The "voice" in which you write is tremendously different from when you first arrived here.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#442495 - 07/29/13 10:15 AM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Dear TXB,

Congratulations on getting into therapy, it's a good move as it helps to focus us on the work at hand, so hard to do alone, too many distractions, too many obstacles to overcome by ourselves, as it can be like navigating a mine field at times!

The variety of emotions you feel are, of course, all part of it and they'll all come and go and then come and go again and perhaps again. It's all part of the process of healing. Some of it is as the stages of grief and mourning, which makes perfect sense, as we are grieving the loss of so many things; our youth, innocence, trust in others and ourselves, and so many more, as you've felt and shared here.

On grief, there are the stages and naturally it's a process. The one thing I always have to remind myself about it is that it can't be avoided, it's a necessary function towards healing. The only way to successfully accomplish it is to accept that we must go through the sadness and pain of our losses. There is better and healing and freedom on the other side of it, but those things are not to be had without feeling first all that loss, pain and grief of our abuse.

I remind myself of what I read and what others shared with me about grief; the only way to the other side of it is directly through it! You cannot go over it, around it, under it, you just have to own it and allow it to be...

It will indeed be a truly sad time and difficult in all the ways possible, really, how could it be otherwise? At those times I remind myself that "This too will pass." and that it is time limited, it's not forever and I will feel better, perhaps better than ever before, it has a conclusion.

I'm sorry that you have to go through any of this, TXB, it should not have been, you deserved better and thankfully you've chosen to make that happen for yourself now! This is no small feat you're accomplishing and you have my admiration and best wishes on your continued healing journey.

You're doing great work!

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#442558 - 07/29/13 07:57 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1235
Loc: New York
Hey TXB,

This could be used really by anyone reading this thread. It did make a difference for me. I have a lot of trouble telling events without enough Valium or I would lock up and not be able to speak. The main ingredient is the timeline. It can be filled in and updated anytime as events become more clear or unveil themselves.

Just one thing that I learned over the past week and I seemed to move ahead a great deal today with my T. I've been putting together a timeline of my life till I went into the USAF at 18. I had split it up into three parts, maybe it will be 4 parts. The first part which I hardly remember at all is when I lived in Massapequa, Long Island, NY. I lived there from the age of about 1 until we moved to Hempstead, Long Island, NY around my 10th birthday which is January 5th. I can explain the other chapters of my life another time if anyone is interested. But the main point I wanted to bring across is that I've been trying to tell my story according to when my abuses happened. That left my T with wrong information and or rather misplaced information of where and when things happened. There is a lot to tell, roughly 9 years. So my T finally said that why don't we start with the timeline I've been putting together. It made a world of difference that my T was now able to put events in the correct place of my childhood.

Since there is not much to talk about my childhood from 0-10 I think one or two more weeks would be sufficient and then I start on the next chapter. I'll see how I can break my childhood from 10-18 up into understandable chunks.

I really don't know if this is for everybody but it was the most concise history as opposed to events. I went through the years as best as I could remember and put events to the years.

I don't know if i explained this well enough by I'm not great at explaining what I want to explain frown.

Originally Posted By: TXB
Iím kind of panic attacking about it now. I really should have edited it or just gave him the relevant page. But itís really important. Itís part of me un-guilting myself.
Maybe working on a timeline and handing it to him would help and he would see when and where things happened and where he was in the picture? I don't know I'm just throwing out something that seems like it will be very effective for my T to understand and see where all the actors come into the picture.

Good luck no matter how you handle it, and yes it is progress.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#442628 - 07/30/13 01:33 PM Re: Finally! [Re: lapchinj]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
That is a great idea and tool, Jeff. I wish when I had been actively doing my recovery work that this technique would've been available. I've always had, or it seems like always anyway, a pretty bad sense of time. Grades in school I remember pretty well, but events can be elusive by memory or scrambled a bit as can be my recall of a particular age at a particular time. I wonder how common this is with survivors? I can see your technique really helping many others out and simplifying a difficult and frustrating task. Thanks for sharing this!

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#442656 - 07/30/13 06:25 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 215
Thanks for the continued support. I really appreciate it. Especially when I feel like I'm not doing that great.

Showing this thing to my dad, Iím not really sure it was a good idea. I should have given him an edited version. I donít think he really needed to know that amount of detail. Iíd put new things in this story that I hadnít told anyone before. The reason I wanted him to read it is because when I was in hospital I was forced to do this family therapy thing. I donít even remember how it came up but Iíd said that this guy told me that my dad said it was ok for him to do stuff to me. (then told me 10 minutes later not to tell him. Yeah like that makes sense...) Of course my dad didnít say that and I knew that back then too, but my dad was really upset hearing that. I think he thought I might have believed it. I wanted him to read what I wrote so he could pretty much hear from my 10 year old self that I NEVER believed he said it was ok.

Jeff, I wanted to say thanks for the timeline idea. It is a really good idea. I find it hard to stay with dealing with one thing at a time. I think if I made a timeline then at least my therapist would have half a chance of keeping up with where my brain is going. Iíve pretty much lost all momentum for talking about stuff, but if I make her a timeline I can maybe find something to talk about.

My list I had before isnít so much a list of people to tell. Unfortunately everyone in the small town Iím from pretty much knows what happened to me. (at least I donít have to live there anymore). My list is more people I need to explain things to. Like about some of the things I did back then, or the way I behaved. Like my dadís friend I just talked to, itís things Iíve done I feel guilty about and I want to let people know, what was happening to me back then is what made me act that way. I wouldnít have been like that if it hadnít happened. Itís not really the real me. Now Iím writing it down it seems like maybe Iím making excuses and trying to blame someone else. But..... I have no idea how to write this in a proper sentence, itís important to me.... being forced to be someone else by that guy, then having to act like someone else to try and hide what was happening, I donít want people to think Iím that person he made me into. If that makes any sense at all.

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#442668 - 07/30/13 07:46 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:28 PM)

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#442690 - 07/30/13 10:21 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1235
Loc: New York
Hey TXB,

Yeah I found myself going around in circles in that I was giving enough detail in what happened but I think I wasn't able to put that shit to a time in my life. My shit goes on for 9 years, so mentioning that this and this happened I was leaving my T with when did it happen. Coming to his sessions was hard enough and he had a very hard time just getting me to talk and on meds so he was asking pointed questions and I had no pointed answers for him. He started to tell me to write my timeline and we'll go from there. So I started it but then shit happened with being freaked out really badly and some other stuff so I never got back to it. But then he talked about again and I said I'll put together the first 10 years of my life which I remember the least and we'll talk about that. It went really well and I was surprised.

I know I gave my T a really hard time but that's what he's paid for. But while I thought I was just screwing his mind up I see he got me to talk, on meds and open up to him on most of the gory details. Problem was there was no who and when to my events. So I think that his main success is the timeline. Not only did he get me to do all these things he even got me to put a who and date (approximate month and age to the event. He was at least 10 steps ahead of me. I wouldn't play poker with the guy that's for sure.

He even got me to answer a question I never thought I could be asked let alone asking me what that thing felt like. I was a little freaked out but I could only answer "just what it was, a thing". Now I put a who and when to that event. I'm really freaked but so happy at the same time.

I cannot say it works for everyone but it's worth a try.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#442693 - 07/30/13 10:29 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1235
Loc: New York
Hey Geoff

I think that we both profited from this

The nice thing about the timeline for me was that as events and remembrances came up I was able to file it in it's proper place in the timeline. It also validates the event and when it happened against other events and when they happened. I wish my head was screwed on well enough to listen to him earlier.

I'm glad it helped you so much also.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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